“Star Syndrome” is an article in today’s Evening Standard magazine about self-esteem and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It has many superficially convincing stories about children and adults regarding themselves more highly than the facts allow and placing themselves the rest of us mere mortals.

It’s a good topic for debate. How should we rate ourselves?  But unfortunately author Helen Kirwan-Taylor doesn’t really define her terms consistently. Indeed, she defines self-esteem and then treats the term as something different.  She quotes W Keith Campbell, Professor of Social Psychology at the University of North Carolina and co-author of “the Narcissism Epidemic; Living in the Age of Entitlement” as saying “It’s way beyond self-esteem.  People are confusing self-esteem, which means thinking you are a person of worth, with narcissism.  Narcissists think, ‘I’m special‘ “.

Now this agrees with Nathaniel Branden who equates self-esteem with your immune system; it’s a good thing of which you can’t get too much.  How can you think you deserve happiness and are worthy – too much?  Thinking you’re better than other people is something different.  You can’t be too protected from disease and you can’t believe too much that you deserve to live, to love, to be loved and be happy. Nathaniel Branden’s book, “The six pillars of self-esteem” is a  top-6000 selling book on Amazon.com and he has written several other self-esteem books.

One of Branden’s six pillars of self-esteem is “Living Consciously” which is basically being aware of what is happening and to behave accordingly.  He advocates realism, honesty, admitting mistakes and seeking out the truth (page 69).  Melanie Fennell in “Overcoming Low Self-Esteem “, another popular book, says “This book is not about the power of positive thinking, or about encouraging you to become as unrealistically positive about yourself as you were unrealistically negative.  It is about achieving a balanced, unbiased view of yourself…“.

So far we have

1) it’s about valuing yourself

2) it requires you to be realistic.

The ES magazine article basically takes issue with people over-valuing themselves and being unrealistic.  Fair enough, but that’s not them having too much self-esteem.  Call it narcissism or inflated self-image if you like, but self-esteem is a particular thing and it requires realism.  Branden makes the point that bravado is likely to be linked to low self-esteem.  It seems that if you are not realistic, you’ll have low-self esteem, but you may put up a considerable front.

Another quote from Robyn M Dawes that “Self-esteem is not always a force for good, it can actually be hurtful” clearly requires a clear definition of self-esteem and does not use the reasonable and popular ones above.  The writer probably got it from this website and it includes the note that “Hawkins argues that Baumeister and other critics confuse self-esteem with egotism, which is not the same thing. Rather, he said, healthy self-esteem ‘comes from being personally and socially responsible.’ “.

So let’s say yes to realism, a sense of self-worth and being aware of all the things that go into making that an undiluted and positive thing. We need a term for the positive experience of ourselves that justifies our existence, the extension of our existence and increasing the offering we give; and self-esteem is that term.  Let’s not get overly concerned with ourselves, our feelings or trying to better other.

Quotes from Nathaniel Branden and his book “The six pillars of self-esteem”.

- No, it is not [possible to have too much self-esteem]; no more than it is possible to have too much physical health or too powerful an immune system. Sometimes self-esteem is confused with boasting or bragging or arrogance; but such traits reflect not too much self-esteem, but too little; they reflect a lack of self-esteem. (page 19)

- It would be hard to name a more certain sign of poor self-esteem than the need to perceive some other group as inferior. (page 12)

Self-esteem touches on a few areas of our life, but let’s separate it from things we don’t want (pointless anxiety, poor morals, poor treatment of others,  selfish manipulation).

Does high self esteem mean lack of respect for others?

That statement is about not having enough regard for others, not about having too much for oneself. They are separate.

Does low self-esteem mean being promiscuous?

No, confident, curious people like casual sex too.  Many low self-esteem people have sexual morals and rules for themselves.

Does God dislike self-esteem?

“You shall love your neighbour as yourself.”  That’s a good case for valuing your self.  With some humilty and respect for others, but still valuing yourself.

Overcoming low self-esteem and religion

Is it a soft approach and about not disciplining our children?

No.  How they value themselves is separate to how you discipline them.

Overcoming low self-esteem and discipline

Is self-esteem conditional on what other people think of you?

No.  Self-esteem is seeing value in yourself.  There are no external conditions.  You may come to internalise what other people say, but if it affects your self esteem, it happens when you accept what they say, not when they say it.

Overcoming low self-esteem and what other people think

A general introduction is here.
WWW.OVERCOMING-LOW-SELF-ESTEEM.COM

From psychotherapy . net

“The greatest sickness known to man or woman is called self-esteem. If you have self-esteem, then you’re sick, sick, sick, because you say: I’m okay because I do well and because people love me, so when I do poorly, which I’m a fallible human and will, and people hate me because they may jealously hate me or they just don’t like me, then back to ####hood I go.

I worry, worry, worry about doing well and winning other people’s approval, and I worry, worry, worry about the future even if I do well in the present. So that’s the worst sickness – self-esteem – ever known to man or woman because it’s always conditional. And unconditional self-acceptance means: I’m okay just because I’m me, just because I’m alive and human, so I’d better only rate what I do for my goals and purposes. I like to do well and be loved, etc., because it gets me goodies, but I never rate my person or myself. “

An Interview with Albert Ellis, PhD

By Myrtle Heery, PhD, MFT

Using the term “self-esteem” is this way is sloppy and inaccurate.  Albert is against means conditional self-esteem which is valuing yourself because other people value you.  If he wants to call this “self-esteem conditional on others” then he has a point.

Self-esteem is seeing value in yourself.  There are no external conditions.  To say “I have high self-esteem”, one must only be alive and able to assess one’s self-worth.  That second part may have a process and one may have internal actors that affect the outcome (taking take of oneself, treating yourself fairly).  It’s not about what others think of you, it’s about what you think of you.

There is a debate on twitter about self-esteem and religion.  Is self-estem good or should it be avoided?

From Wikipdeia:

In the New Testament, Jesus repeated some of the commandments in Matthew 19:16–19 and condensed them into two general commands in another:

‘“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.” This is the greatest and first commandment. And a second is like it: “You shall love your neighbour as yourself.” On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.’

—Matthew 22:34-40

My interpretation of this is to show love, support and repect to others and to have similar love for yourself.  It discourages disrespect of others or selfishness.  It could allow humilty but does not encourage low self-esteem.

Some people say:

• Philippians 2:3 NKJV: Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.
• Jesus didn’t die for your self-esteem.
  
• Self-esteem is the result of disregarding the rights of God and contempt for the rights of men.-Holy Prophet (SAW)! [This came from an Islamic and I'm less familiar with their teachings]
• Getting people to have a higher self-esteem isn’t the solution. It’s the problem./ It’s nowhere found in the Bible./ Not true at all. That is the view of secular psychology. Jesus said that because it’s assumed people selfishly love themselves.
• The world maintains that you have to have and hold on to self-esteem. Jesus said you must esteem others first. Love thy neighbor…

This last one is just a misquote to score points, from a person with username that promotes himself highly.  Why would you trust a group that minimises the teachings of its most important human ever, sets itself us as an authority and encourages you to have low-self esteem?  A religion has a responsibility to use the power people bestow on it well.  It’s fine if they promote humility and even putting others first, but I simply don’t see any evidence that Jesus wanted you to have low self-esteem.  I’m not against responsible religions.

Can you see where this other tweet came from?

• It’s kind of Jesus to provide comfort for the guilt, self-doubt and lack of self-esteem his philosophy causes.

Someone on Twitter regularly posts

• We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem.

Brian says:

While the quote is mostly about discipline, which I won’t comment on, it could appear to value self esteem as a bad thing; as a soft way out.

Self esteem is about seeing value in yourself.  Praise and achievement can contribute and self-discipline may be part of that achievement.  If someone is strong and breaks the law, the problem is the law-breaking, not the strength.

I encourage people to overcome their low self-esteem.  It involves honestly facing and accepting their strengths ans weaknesses, opportunities and threats.  That does not give them permission to break laws or demean others.

If a lack of discipline has created unruly children, don’t pretend it was justified to make them feel good about themselves.  It’s good for people to feel good about themselves AND other thigns can be achieved too.

My fellow twitterer further commented as follows.  “<>” means does not equal to

• We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self esteem.<> When they lose they don’t get a trophy-They DEAL WITH IT & try harder the next time!

Apparently it’s a quote from Billy Graham.