I use metaphor in my Clean Language coaching to help people overcome low self esteem.

Clean Language draws meaning from my half dreams in the morning and helps me understand the forces that drive my day.

It lets me understand people in places governed by assumptions, perspectives and connections that I don’t wish to hold.

It helps me travel to people I cannot agree with but can now understand

It is better than the smartest of smartphones for navigating through strange, changing territories

It shows the best next step to scared inner children, lost souls, hesitant daredevils and raging anger.

It connects resources to problems, lets warmth beat scared, transformation beat sinking and shows that taking off a silver red teapot top is all you need to do to stop things boiling over.

It connects you to metaphors as bizarre as Willy Wonka’s golden ticket but more real and supportive than chairs.

It can find a desired outcome in expression, then trust, wonder, learning and change.

It helps me as facilitator to monitor my role, play my part and notice the consequences.

It is the quickest way to difficult places, the most appropriate suit, the most respectful holding, the longest lasting gift

It fits when I don’t.
It leads me while giving me the reins.
We shine as we share.

I’m exchanging emails with a journalist who is talking about low self-esteem and gave this example.  I’d like to use it to explain the Clean Language way of coaching.

“In my experience as a college student, I’m surrounded by girls who act irrationally, especially involving men. An example of this type of girl would be one that calls the guy she’s interested in 20 times, only to leave him another voicemail. It’s obvious he’s not interested in talking to her. However, she doesn’t have the sense of pride in herself to stop chasing and embarrassing herself. In my mind experiences like this go hand in hand with low self-esteem. Men tend to treat women with low self esteem worse than those confident in themselves because they know they can get away with more. They know that no matter how badly they treat this specific girl, she’ll be back at their side the moment they need them.”

Let’s say I was talking to the girl who did the phoning.  I’ll imagine the conversation and make annotations. Let’s call her Jo.

Jo: I’ve called this guy and he didn’t respond.

Coach: What would you like to have happen?  [This invites her to state her goal or desired outcome.  ]

Jo: How do I get him to call? [At least it's clear what she wants. Knowing some context, we strongly suspect it's not realistic, but it's Clean Language and we leave our assumptions and interpretations out of this coaching.  Sounds daft, bear with me.]

Coach:  I’m here to help you find out what to do.  [I won't give direct advice]

Is there anything else about him calling?

Jo: Maybe he’s away.  [Likely to be some sort of denial]

Coach: When he calls, what happens next? [I'm going with the story she gives me]

Jo: We’ll go out and everything will be fine.  Fun, a little romantic.  [She is in full flight of denial. Bear with me]

Coach: And you called and when he calls, things will be fun, a little romantic.  Is there anything else about “when he calls”?

Jo: My friends don’t think he’ll call.  [At some point, the extra information she knows challenges her self-denial story ]

Coach: And you called and when he calls, things will be fun, a little romantic.  And your friends don’t think he’ll call.  Is there anything else about “when he calls”? [I focus on an area for a while to see wht she knows.  I'm not using my own ideas and am using her words, so there is no incentive to emphasise her point as if I'm not listening; I clearly am.]

Jo: He will call.  [Rigid denial]

Coach: And you called and when he calls, things will be fun, a lttle romantic. And your friends don’t think he’ll call.
And what would he like to have happen? [I keep returning her undeniable words to her and make her increasingly aware of how solid the story is she is constructing.  She would now be very aware her friends dont' think he will call and she can't think why he wouldn't. ]

Jo: He won’t call. [Actually, she might carry on for longer, but she will see a purer truth of the situation, a recurring pattern or a habit of hers after a while]

Coach: And you’d like him  to call and he won’t call.  What would you like to have happen now?  [We've reached a dead end on what I can achieve.  Either she wants nothing, something else, or finds a way to have him call.]

Jo:  I want him to call.

Coach: And you’d like him to call and he won’t call.  What kind of “I” wants him to call when he won’t call?  [She's persistent and I'm wondering where the real goal is.]

Jo: I’m scared of failing my exams.

Coach: And you’re scared of failing your exams.  And what would you like to have happen?

Jo: I’d like to be proud of myself. [A much wider goal, but something we would work on.  In another case, it might not be self-esteem, but might be about the exams themselves and the task of studying.  At this point the exact nature of why she was chasing him is open to speculation, but I focus on her and her present goal.]

Coach: And is there anything else about being proud of yourself?

…

For more about Clean Language, follow this link.

For more about self-esteem, please contact me.

Whether you are overcoming low-self esteem or not, check out these videos to understand more about Clean Language and Clean Space.

Clean Language taster session – free
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How is Clean Language used by different people?

How to use Clean

What draws us to Clean?

Clean Training is like what?

Clean in Business

Wendy Sullivan

Metaphor

Eddy Smerdon’s Clean Language Summer School testimonial

Clean Summer School Introduction

Whether you are overcoming low-self esteem or not, I hope you enjoy understanding more about Clean Language and Clean Space.

It doesn’t always equate to self-esteem, but this seems a related area.

A woman on a plane I was on recently was verbally aggressive with her child and cursed at her.  I told the cabin staff and told the woman I’d report her if she persisted.  She got indignant but eventually went quiet.  Part of her defense was my lack of clear legal authority and we had no reference to social care guidelines.  So I’ve looked up the NSPCC website which talks about emotional abuse in the following ways.  For me it also links to other types of abuse such as bullying and (psychological) domestic violence.

For the purpose of the child protection system, the Department of Health employs the following definition of emotional abuse:

‘Emotional abuse is the persistent emotional ill-treatment of a child such as to cause severe and persistent adverse effects on the child’s emotional development. It may involve conveying to children that they are worthless or unloved, inadequate, or valued only insofar as they meet the needs of another person. It may feature age or developmentally inappropriate expectations being imposed on children. It may involve causing children frequently to feel frightened or in danger, or the exploitation or corruption of children. Some level of emotional abuse is involved in all types of ill treatment of a child, though it may occur alone’. (Department of Health et al, 1999, p.5-6)

Garbarino et al’s influential work defines psychological maltreatment as ‘a concerted attack by an adult on a child’s development of self and social competence’ (Garbarino et al, 1986, cited in Iwaniec, 1997, p.372). They propose five categories of damaging caregiver behaviours:

• rejecting: behaviours which communicate or constitute abandonment of the child;
• isolating: preventing the child from participating in normal social interaction activities;
• terrorising: threatening the child with severe punishment, or deliberately cultivating a climate of fear or threat;
• ignoring: where the caregiver is psychologically unavailable to the child and fails to respond to the child’s behaviour; and
• corrupting: caregiver behaviour which encourages the child to develop false social values that reinforce antisocial or deviant behavioural patterns (Garbarino et al, 1986 cited in Tomison and Tucci, 1997).

Hart et al build on Garbarino et al’s typology above, identifying six categories of adult behaviour towards children considered to be emotionally abusive:

• spurning: both verbal and nonverbal degrading and rejecting of a child;
• exploiting/corrupting: encouraging children to develop behaviours that are self-destructive or mis-socialising;
• terrorising: includes behaviour that threatens or is likely to place the child or child’s loved ones in danger;
• denying emotional responsiveness: ignoring a child’s attempt to interact, or interacting without emotion;
• isolating: involves caregiver behaviours that prevent a child from interacting with children or adults outside the home; and
• mental health, medical and emotional neglect (Hart et al, 1995 cited in Geffner and Rossman, 1998, p.2).

NSPCC Emotional Child Abuse
Contacting the NSPCC Helpline

While answering low self-esteem questions on a forum, one questioner was wondering how to not get angry when people make assumptions and are judgemental when they answer his questions.

My answer:

I think the quality of listening and advice varies hugely, amongst novice and so-called expert contributors.  I think a good answer talks to the questioner where they are and doesn’t make any (significant) assumptions or judgements.  A good answer does not contradict information the questioner gives.  A good answer isn’t about the answerer either; it is about or at least clearly for the questioner.

I’m a self-esteem coach and I am answering questions to help me tune in to people’s real needs.
I use “Clean Language” as a coaching method and this method allows virtually no assumptions about a person’s situation.  If you say you’re hungry, I won’t assume you want to eat now (you may not want to drink for religious reasons or you may be saving your appetite).  So I can pick out loads of examples where people presume things.  I can pick out so many that I also realise it’s almost impossible to not make assumptions.  It requires a lot of brain power to remember that other people have different needs, resources and abilities to you.  So that last realisation is how I deal with it.
That last paragraph was for you, but it so easily becomes about me.

“You have low self esteem” is sometimes used to manipulate, as an easy answer or because the person doesn’t want to help/ solve the problem.

I can validly see you want to “deal with it” but I can’t be 100% certain of what you want.
It makes you angry and seems to make you lose your cool, but if you’re a thick skinned, high energy person, it’s possible that’s not a problem.  It’s not reasonable for me to assume you want to priest level serenity all the time; maybe you accept a few dubious comments when you get some good experience too.

I don’t see people making assupmtions as a problem.  They are going to do it, you can ask them not to but they may not be able to help themselves.  You can’t fully control it, but you can control a lot of your reaction.  You can become more observant, see what’s happening in detail and this can help you react in a different way.

Does it help to consider what people say to be a reflection of what’s happening for them rather than defining what’s happening for you, or objective reality?

OK, I’ll ask some no-assumption questions (okay, assuming you’re alive, have a need etc).
- What’s the relationship between people making assumptions and having false ideas and you gettting angry?
- What happens just before you get angry?
- What would you like to have happen?
- How will you know that is happening or has happened?
- What needs to happen for that to happen?

“Star Syndrome” is an article in today’s Evening Standard magazine about self-esteem and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It has many superficially convincing stories about children and adults regarding themselves more highly than the facts allow and placing themselves the rest of us mere mortals.

It’s a good topic for debate. How should we rate ourselves?  But unfortunately author Helen Kirwan-Taylor doesn’t really define her terms consistently. Indeed, she defines self-esteem and then treats the term as something different.  She quotes W Keith Campbell, Professor of Social Psychology at the University of North Carolina and co-author of “the Narcissism Epidemic; Living in the Age of Entitlement” as saying “It’s way beyond self-esteem.  People are confusing self-esteem, which means thinking you are a person of worth, with narcissism.  Narcissists think, ‘I’m special‘ “.

Now this agrees with Nathaniel Branden who equates self-esteem with your immune system; it’s a good thing of which you can’t get too much.  How can you think you deserve happiness and are worthy – too much?  Thinking you’re better than other people is something different.  You can’t be too protected from disease and you can’t believe too much that you deserve to live, to love, to be loved and be happy. Nathaniel Branden’s book, “The six pillars of self-esteem” is a  top-6000 selling book on Amazon.com and he has written several other self-esteem books.

One of Branden’s six pillars of self-esteem is “Living Consciously” which is basically being aware of what is happening and to behave accordingly.  He advocates realism, honesty, admitting mistakes and seeking out the truth (page 69).  Melanie Fennell in “Overcoming Low Self-Esteem “, another popular book, says “This book is not about the power of positive thinking, or about encouraging you to become as unrealistically positive about yourself as you were unrealistically negative.  It is about achieving a balanced, unbiased view of yourself…“.

So far we have

1) it’s about valuing yourself

2) it requires you to be realistic.

The ES magazine article basically takes issue with people over-valuing themselves and being unrealistic.  Fair enough, but that’s not them having too much self-esteem.  Call it narcissism or inflated self-image if you like, but self-esteem is a particular thing and it requires realism.  Branden makes the point that bravado is likely to be linked to low self-esteem.  It seems that if you are not realistic, you’ll have low-self esteem, but you may put up a considerable front.

Another quote from Robyn M Dawes that “Self-esteem is not always a force for good, it can actually be hurtful” clearly requires a clear definition of self-esteem and does not use the reasonable and popular ones above.  The writer probably got it from this website and it includes the note that “Hawkins argues that Baumeister and other critics confuse self-esteem with egotism, which is not the same thing. Rather, he said, healthy self-esteem ‘comes from being personally and socially responsible.’ “.

So let’s say yes to realism, a sense of self-worth and being aware of all the things that go into making that an undiluted and positive thing. We need a term for the positive experience of ourselves that justifies our existence, the extension of our existence and increasing the offering we give; and self-esteem is that term.  Let’s not get overly concerned with ourselves, our feelings or trying to better other.

Quotes from Nathaniel Branden and his book “The six pillars of self-esteem”.

- No, it is not [possible to have too much self-esteem]; no more than it is possible to have too much physical health or too powerful an immune system. Sometimes self-esteem is confused with boasting or bragging or arrogance; but such traits reflect not too much self-esteem, but too little; they reflect a lack of self-esteem. (page 19)

- It would be hard to name a more certain sign of poor self-esteem than the need to perceive some other group as inferior. (page 12)

I was stuck on a self-esteem issue and found it hard to get myself unstuck.  I asked a fellow coach whom I had work with before and within minutes i was reorganising things in ways I could not only cope with them, but start having thigns as I wanted them.  Once you have this experience,  you wonder why you allowed yourself to stay stuck for any length of time at all.  I was the “client” below.

With ten minutes and two questions, Judy Rees facilitated a change with a client who felt disorientated and was experiencing low self-esteem. The client was practised in Clean Language, but it can be very difficult to coach oneself well and quickly.

9:00 Client’s situation:

I was overwhelmed with multiple situations where I felt responsible for rescuing people, fixing things, correcting interpretations by other people, planning the long term future and making people happy. My self-esteem was suffering because I expected more of myself. After several hours of chasing my tail trying to coach myself, I had a metaphor for only one part of the problem; swimming with weights attached. I had previously done sessions with Judy and feeling bigger than the problem had helped, but that wasn’t helping this time.

Then I spontaneously contacted Judy as she happened to be on Facebook. We used the text-based chat function. We could neither see not hear each other, but it’s easy to imagine one is in conversation. The transcript below was copied by the client from Facebook with minimal editing so it makes sense and removes unnecessary detail. The times are real.

Client says:

The new website looks beautiful.

11:42

Judy says:

thanks!

11:43

Client says:

Your CL sessions are now £x for 3, is that right?

11:43

Judy says:

…why do you ask?

11:44

Client says:

I’ve spent the last few hours [coaching myself using Clean Language and Clean Space]; it’s slow [to coach yourself when you feel disorientated]

11:45

Client says:

[I’m in]a bind; I’ll feel bad if I get a concession and I can’t afford a proper rate.

11:48

Judy says:

and when a bind, what would you like to have happen?

[Judy initiates a quick Clean Language question with an occasional client]

11:48

Client says:

…

that much I finally got, kind of

I want a metaphor to encapsulate my many things going on

one is swimming but being dragged down by a weight

11:49

Client says:

and being blamed second hand for swimming badly

11:50

Judy & client arrange a price and time for a session that afternoon.

Judy says:

meanwhile, consider “and when swimming and weight and being blamed… what would you like to have happen?”

[By giving two outcome oriented questions and the promise of her usual excellent attention later and the illusion of it now (this was all on Facebook chat with text only), Judy facilitated a change in the client.]

11:57

Client says:

I’ve since got a metaphor of a circus ground with lots of traps in it; one probably being the swimming/ weight area. Being big doesn’t stop me being trapped. I’ll work on all that

11:57

Judy says:

grand, speak at 3

11:57

The conversation ended.

Within 10 minutes, the client had been able to expand on his metaphor himself. He was a circus owner. The customers weren’t happy and wouldn’t sit down. The animal owners hadn’t secured their animals. They were roaming around and people were unnecessarily scared. We needed more customers, animals and money. And the big tent had holes in it letting in rain and wind.

The metaphor gave an experience of the multiple, tricky problems that the client was experiencing. When trying to fix one thing, something else would need one’s attention more.

Yet the metaphor also contained an empowering perspective. It made it very easy for the client to survey the scene (get an overview) and know that his self-esteem was okay (he wasn’t directly responsible for everything). It was much easier to sense what was important and urgent as well as what was feasible today. It was a matter of holding people to their responsibilities and ensuring procedures could be enforced. An appealing offer could then be made to the customers for the show to go on.

15:00

The client felt unstuck and empowered. He didn’t need the session that day and agree a rate with Judy for the 10 mins coaching earlier as well as terms for future impromptu facilitation sessions.

Contact Judy Rees here

One group of people who may be overcoming low self-esteem are those affected by domestic violence.

I’ve contacted some charities to see what self-esteem issues people have around this issue.  I’m obviously against abuse of any sort but my stereotypical views have been challenges in a few ways.  A few things surprised me.  It’s not just angry men hitting their wives, please have an open mind to the facts if you read on.    I’m on the side of those who want to stop the violence, not those who want to generalise and deny some facts.

I want to focus on the self-esteem side, not the relationship, legal, family or safety side.  If you would like to raise your self-esteem, I’m happy to do blogs and video blogs to help.

Abuse includes power and control; financial abuse; breaching court orders regarding children; verbal abuse, threatening behaviour; emotional and psychological abuse; sexual abuse; isolation;  and false allegations.

Womens’ aid provides resettlement, telephone counselling and other services.

in 1999, in the US, 1,218 women and 424 men were killed by an intimate partner, regardless of which partner started the violence and of the gender of the partner. In the US, in 2005, 1181 females and 329 males were killed by their intimate partners. ()
Wikipedia

Mankind deal with female on male domestic abuse

• One in six men will be a victim of domestic abuse in their lifetime, by their female partner
• “it was like building a sandcastle on the beach…  a wave would come along and smash it down and that what she did.”
• Female on male abuse goes against stereo types.  Men don’t want to be told they can be beaten up by women.  Women don’t want to be told they can be violent; it goes against femininity.  One victim found police don’t believe him when he reported it (see BBC site).
• Stories of female on male abuse includes being hit with an iron from behind, being push down stairs and having his fingers caught in a door.
• It didn’t surprise me to hear that men, when victims, can feel small, useless and need to see them selves as worthwhile.  Mankind provide details of groups for men to go to.

Tryangle offer services to men and women, including a service for men who abuse their partners and want to stop.

Broken Rainbow provide support for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people experiencing domestic violence.

Sources of content and quotes include the site above and this sites.

Other sites:

http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

I’m not an expert in knowing the signs of or how to prevent domestic violence or abuse.  I am happy to work with victims or perpetrators who want to end the abuse and violence in the area of overcoming low self-esteem.

Self-esteem is about caring for yourself, asserting yourself, dealing with the challenges of life, trusting yourself and believing you are a worthwhile and loveable person.  I use coaching methods to help people in overcoming low self-esteem.

Click here for videos andblogs about overcoming low self-esteem (not generally domestic abuse related).

I have several blog posts and videos that explains the Six Pillars of Self Esteem Nathaniel Branden.
I talk about how you can succeed in overcoming low self-esteem. The

Six pillars are

• Personal Integrity;
• Living Consciously;
• Self-Responsibility;
• Self-Acceptance;
• Self-Assertiveness; and
• Living Purposefully.

The shortest course in Overcoming Low Self-Esteem I can think of is being able to say:

• It’s up to me to live the life I want; and
• I will accept my strengths and I can deal with lie’s challenges.

If you can say these things, I think you’ll probably feel quite good about yourself when we talk about the six pillars of self-esteem.  If you can’t say these things, I suggest you email me about it. You’ll soon be Overcoming Low Self-Esteem.