I’ve just talked to another coach (not a self esteem coach) who is looking for an ethical way to promise and deliver great things for clients.  Whether I’m thinking about self-esteem or another self-improvement area, every six months I dig out a golden page (it’s literally a golden colour) by Shelle Rose Charvet on people selling self-improvement products and services.  She contrasts those selling quick fix solutions to those who genuinely assist people to improve their lives and raise their self-esteem.

I’ve summarised it to the acronym “L.I.F.E.” which gives me four principles by which I will offer you services on overcoming low self-esteem, which I assume is why you’ve reached this webpage.  Hate acronyms?  Sorry. I can’t resist.  I want to find out what your needs are and either offer those services or point you to someone who can help, perhaps a book, some coaching or another type of programme.

L is for “Lasting”.  Results from a programme to overcome low self-esteem must last for it to work.  I love getting books, dipping into them and having some inspirational ideas.  Books are cheap enough when compared to high-priced seminars and membership sites.  Could they be value for money?  They could be, but like, gym membership, one way to know is if you are still using them after two months.  If you are not, get out of the contract if you can and be wary of similar programmes that you won’t use.

I is for “Internal”.  The source of growth, inspiration and good feelings must, at some point come from you.  If you always need their tools, pep talks and extra CD programmes, you may be becoming dependent.  Use programmes to get you going, rejuvenate your motivation if you like, but use it like a refreshing walk, not a long-term medicine or drug.  Seek a self-sustaining, healthy life.

F is about the self-esteem journey being one that “Fits” or suits you.  If you have to wade through materials that aren’t terribly relevant, you wish they’d bring out CDs instead of endless articles or you need more feedback about you personally, then your programme may be too generic or in the wrong format.  People like different types of comedy and people respond to different types of self-improvement programmes.  By fitting to the customer’s needs, the end result will be better and more sustained.  So expect to see quite a few questions looking for feedback about your needs.  I’m not an expert on knowing what you need although I can anticipate common questions.  I want to help you understand your needs and meet them once you understand them.

E is about being realistic about the “Effort” involved in self-improvement.  For many of us, it’s a lifetime’s journey.  There are always more ways to be more confident, more persuasive, more productive or more inspirational.  Nobody’s perfect all of the time.  Part of this realism is knowing for yourself if it’s worth the effort for you (and it will be an effort) and anticipating the benefits of raising your self esteem.  I’ll be as clear as I can about the methods you may wish to use, as I don’t trust self-improvement methods with hidden, magical methods in case they are merely drawing you in to be dependent on them.

So I’d like to assist you in any way I can in overcoming your low self esteem in a Lasting way, in a way that builds your Internal resources and motivation, in a way that Fits you and your life, all while knowing the Effort involved.  A L.I.F.E. of high self-esteem is attainable and I wish to provide a trustworthy way to have it.

Please comment if you have any questions.

Readers sometimes ask me how they should overcome low self esteem in certain situations.  I’m happy to offer suggestions and let the reader remain anonymous. I have also adjusted the quote for further privacy.

“Since I started working, I have never felt good about myself and want to
hide away. I will not wear bright colours or do anything to draw
attention to myself.  I now realise help is available and would like you to explain how it works.”

Overcoming low self esteem-wear

Let’s first look at the types of low self esteem that may be happening here.

Is this reader putter herself down?  While there is no direct reference to this, I wonder if not wearing bright colours is a low self esteem fashion statement.  Now there I’m aware of this bit of a guess and it may be that the person has decided that browns and dark greens are, like me, the main colours that suit them.

Does this person have unrealistic expectations of themselves?  No sign of this.  Some people have a pattern of needing to get promoted and labelling themselves useless if that doesn’t happen.  No sign of this here.
Is this reader helping and caring for themselves?  Yes.  She is asking for help and it looks like she would have done so long ago if she had known good help was available.

There are other aspects of self esteem, but that’s enough for now.

In a coaching session, I’d ask about some part of what she has said.

“I never felt good about myself”:

I’d ask “How would you like to feel?” (I might ask about how she felt although I don’t want to dweel on negative feeligns unless there is a clear purpose.)

“I will not wear bright colours”.

I’d ask “Is there anything else about bright colours?”.  Now here, I’m asking a very very open question about what she has told me.  There may be some meaning there for her, but I don’t assume that I know.  Bright may refer to being sunny, feeling happy, to smart and intellingent (another meaining for bright).  Her mother may have told her to wear bright and there may be a story there.  I ask the client what it’s about and I work from that.

“do anything to draw attention to myself”

I’d ask “What kind of draw is that draw?“.  Here, I’m asking about moments of knowing what it’s like to draw attention to herself.  There is a chance that that moment is full of information about how she feels about herself.

So there are a few observations and then three questions I might ask.

If this was your question or you feel you have a similar issue, see if you can answer these questions.  The questions obviously work best for the person who gives the quote and they work best at the time the quote was given.

The coaching technique I use, called Clean Language, is all about asking about the person’s experience, focusing on the most useful areas and building resources and strengths that encourage change to happen.

Google “self-esteem” and you’ll find dozens of pages about how to overcome it, build it, boost it and raise it.  There are “how to”s, step by steps, signs and characteristics.

There is certainly a good quantity.  Some of them are poor, telling you to smile a lot and tell your mirror nice things about you.  And some are very good, with thought, observation and references.

Much like cooking books, I don’t think the value is in having another blog.  It’s in trying out what they advise.  Creating a plan for yourself or making a commitment to help yourself.

You may need to try a few things, a few authors and products.  If you know a little about how you learn best and how you work, use this to choose what you pay attention to.

And then, just like cooking books, rather than just having things to read, you’ll have nourishment and growth.

Overcoming low self esteem blogs are like cookbooks

Most of my blogs are about self esteem because I want to focus on that, but some of you have asked about the coaching technique I use.

I coach people who are overcoming low self-esteem mainly using a technique called Clean Language.   It’s the most powerful technique I’ve found for staying with the content of what the client is telling me, but also following their structure (the sequence of events; what’s linked to what; and what the goal is).  I’ll go with you, to whatever goal you want, I’ll play out whatever metaphor you want and we’ll go at the pace you want.  How often do you replay a bad day’s events in your head, perhaps like a film?  But it’s in your head and probably hard to remember all at once.  If you’re coached with Clean Language, you can express it, put a theme tune to it, write the tag line and see it as a whole.  The questions, metaphors and repetition help you see things from different perspectives and you can then look to change that film next time it plays out.

During a coaching session, I listen closely to what a coaching client tells me they want and what’s going on for them in terms of self-esteem. Together we explore what they know deeply about that, what they believe strongly and the palpable feelings that they experience. We don’t focus on distant theories or ill-fitting labels but on the client’s own experiences, patterns and how their life works. It’s not about short-term enthusiasm but focussed on what will genuinely help them achieve their  goals. As the client takes responsibility for their exploration, they remember forgotten social confidence, gain new perspectives on their issues and discover how to be their best self.

If you’d like to hear more about Clean Language, here are some links:

Judy Rees facilitates a Clean Language session:

Judy Rees discusses a Clean Language session she has just done.

A blog of mine, from when I did Relationship Coaching

It includes this radio recording.
Dr Phil Hammond found out how the use of metaphorical language in health care is increasingly accepted as a powerful aid to healing.

Join Marion’s newsletter to get a 20 minute clean language session to download.

I learned Clean Language from the Clean Change Company. Look at the “Clean Language and Symbolic Modelling” video at the very bottom of the page

All of this describes a technique that can help you overcome low self esteem.

These are some thoughts and twitter messages to think about.  I may not agree with all of them.

• Confidence is preparation. Everything else is beyond your control. ~Richard Kline #quotes  by winsenkamto (Winsen Kamto)
• One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation. by Carmenbzr19 (Charles Lipsky)
• We know what we want. Never let haters make u think ur confidence is you being stubborn. There’s a difference!  by GrantKC (KG)
• “Fear is a reflex; confidence is a choice.” @YourInnerMusic
• self-confidence is the sexiest and most attractive thing about ANYONE. period. by pnuts_mama
• Self confidence is very important. But without compassion and humility, it’s just arrogance. by MsKerslake
• Girls who need constant affirmation of being pretty or liked are kinda sad. self esteem is a thing of the self by karataychop (Lorraine Ijeoma)
• Something I failed to do in life was love myself before I loved others .. That explains my low self esteem & insecurties. by Love_Anisah

I’ll ask you to follow / friend me on one or all of these:

Follow me on Twitter

Follow me on Facebook.com

Follow my new Self Esteem Facebook group

Be careful, I’m going to ask you to write to me at the end of this post.

Overcoming low self esteem may seem harder to do than say, making a meal.  With cooking, you get the ingredients, find a recipe and mix them up.  Okay, there’s more skill required than that, but everything can be measured and a procedure can be used.

I’ll compare raising self-esteem to learning a language.  To be fluent with thousands of words is quite a bit of work, but if you get just 100 words, have the right attitude and put them into action, a lot of things go better.   Also, it’s like learning a language because while the exact road isn’t clear, you can forsee that there are certain things to learn, certain behaviours that help and preferred attitudes.

Let’s start you off on some things to aim for.

• Are there feelings you don’t want to have (low energy, being down, vulnerability) or to have less of?
• Do you feel bad about your self? I see this as a different type of feeling because it’s self-reflective.
• Are there unwanted thoughts (I’m not that important?)
• Indeed, do you have a plan?  (1) List some objectives.  (2) List some actions that will help or even ensure these happen.
• Are there questions you want to answer?  How do I heal the hurt child/ teenager inside me?  What do I do next time customer or colleague shouts at me?  How can I get more sleep?  Books, coaches and the internet can help in this.
• Allocate some time.  Do you need time to relax, to write a journal, do sports, talk to a coach (I like this one) or even just to process things in your room.
• Allocate money for this.  To pay for coffees, books, therapies, coaching, CDs, thank-you presents for supportive friends, treats for yourself.  Think how much you spend on music, food, clothes etc and think how much more high self-esteem will benefit you.  If money helps, use it for this.
• Who will you ask for help?  Who can support you?  What help do you need (someone to listen, to motivate, to check your progress, to help you try another method if one method fails).
• Choose some methods.  I offer coaching using something called Clean Language (deep listening and few assumptions).  Books, CDs, friends, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy are other options, but I believe I’ll help you get deeper, longer-lasting change.
• Are there limiting beliefs or unhelpful rules you’d like to get over?  “I have to do overtime and not worry so much.  I must put others first to be a good person. “

So you may now have a few ideas for planned actions, desired feelings, preferred thoughts and benefitial methods to raise your low self esteem.  Great.  If you like a plan, write it all down.  If you work best with a buddy, give me a call.  If you need to get into action, just start.

I’m encouraging you to start something.  If you’re not ready for changing anything, it might be good to get a plan together.  If that’s too much, declaring to yourself that you’ll seriously look into a plan is a step.  At this stage it light be like browsing through the books for a language course.  Sometimes there is a browsing, comparing, evaluation stage.  That’s ok.

I’d like you to tweet me (@BrianBirch) or email me one of these messages, or your own variation of it:

• @BrianBirch Thanks for the blogs.  I’m going to seriously consider a plan for raising my self-esteem.
• @BrianBirch Thanks for the blogs.  I’d like help in writing a plan for raising my self-esteem.
• @BrianBirch Thanks for the blogs.  I’d like to talk to you about you coaching me to raise my self-esteem.

Go on then, contact me.  I’ll thank you for it and you know what, you’ll thank you for it.

I’m working on a guide to overcome low self esteem and raise confidence.

• What has worked well for you?
• I’d like to hear your stories or questions.

You can comment at the bottom of this blog post (first click on the heading if you don’t have the blog post open on it’s own).

Tel UK 020 8816 7343
Tel UK 07703 176167
Brian@overcoming-low-self-esteem.com
Website and blog: www.overcoming-low-self-esteem.com/
Youtube Channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/Overlowselfesteem

www.facebook.com/BrianPBirch

http://twitter.com/BrianBirch

Skype name portraitofalion

Someone on twitter talked about parents supporting self-esteem in a way that means they ensure all the children get a trophy on sports day. I’ve even heard of a school cancelling its sports day because some children felt sad when they lost.

Overcoming-low-self-esteem.com

While it may be tempting, giving kids stuff just for turning up is different to ensuring their self esteem is high. I’m not against giving them something, just don’t lie to them. Yes, it’s a lie even when it’s well intentioned. I still have medals somewhere for coming second in a two boy swim and finishing a long distance run long after almost everyone else had changed out of their sports gear. They were on different days in case you think I did some kind of Junior Iron Man competition. It helped me feel part of the team, it acknowledged my effort and made me feel cared for. But I never seriously thought it was for sporting achievement and it was partly an embarrassment as it symbolised trying rather than winning.

I’m not convinced you’ll fool the child. You may even deliver the meta-messages that you don’t even think of them as a serious competitor and that you think childish and foolish. Most importantly, you may miss that while self-confidence is about believing you can achieve things, self-esteem is about how you feel about yourself. It’s the bit after they get the medal. If they know they are being shielded, not considered capable of winning and they have no evidence of actual learning or achieving, how are they going to get self-esteem?

Shielding children from most competitions and challenges does not help them develop the skills to deal with challenges when you’re not around. Rich children can be very insecure when they realise they have been shielded.

Reality happens; to you and to your child. Self-esteem comes from acknowledgement of reality, accepting your strengths and having realistic expectations.

Remember the Truman Show film?  Would Jim Carey thank the people who altered his reality and made him do all that work to make sense of what reality was?

Piaget:  “Every time we teach a child something, we prevent him from inventing it himself.”

Maybe I should have just said that.