Some comments from a university journalist regarding self-esteem, insecurity and the effects which she saw as promiscuity, abusive relationships etc.

Good for you, I’m glad you’re looking into the area. I’m happy to respond. I’m quite precise on some points so I don’t like loose assertions.

I urge you to ask why you are writing the article. Is it to help people improve their lives? Is it to gain readers? Is it to help them understand the status quo or past? I’m only really interested in the first one.
Without defining self-esteem, a debate about can easily be about prejudice and judging others.

Many people use it incorrectly as meaning “You are acting in ways that ways that do not reflect my values”. That strikes me as intolerance rather than low self-esteem.

Nathaniel Branden, the writer of several books on self-esteem defines self-esteem as “the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness.” These challenges of life including finding and keeping a job and caring for oneself.

This is a long way from giving each child a medal to make them feel good about themselves. You have to experience life to feel that you can meet its challenges.

More on good and bad definitions of self-esteem

http://www.overcoming-low-self-esteem.com/tag/self-esteem-is-not

To make strong statements that self-esteem makes you healthier, wealthier, happier and a better Christian/ Muslim/ believer, one should have large scale studies to back up those statement. The definition of self-esteem should be clear.

As for treatments for low self-esteem, if you are measuring treatments or interventions, there should be control participants to compare against and neither participant nor facilitator should know whether the treatment or the placebo is being applied. That might work for aspirin, but it can be difficult in a talking cure.

Some challenge the idea that self-esteem is a good thing. Much of this seems to be based on a warped and poor definition of self-esteem.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=exploding-the-self-esteem

I offer people a coaching service to raise their self-esteem, i.e., to help them raise their sense of competence to meet the challenges of life and their sense of being worthy of love. I see these things as self-evidently worthwhile or indeed, I leave it to the client to determine that they are. If they want self-esteem in order to be happy, they are better off doing coaching focused on being happy, their true goal. For my clients, self-esteem is the concept that they are after.

More on N. Branden

http://www.overcoming-low-self-esteem.com/category/theme/six-pillars-of-self-esteem-nathaniel-branden

Do they?
It’s possible to feel that we are worthy of love and competent to move home and find a job and then also sleep around, get into the wrong relationship and do badly in our job. We can feel awful about ourselves and useless at times, but happen to be very good at reviewing legal documents. Self-esteem is a broad, long-ish view of ourselves and doesn’t necessarily have direct impact on our behaviours and relationships.

I see insecurity as different to self-esteem in ways such as you can feel insecure about your job due to the economy but feel that you are a competent person worthy of love.

You could search for Twitter quotes about self-esteem. People on twitter talk openly about low self-esteem.

I can help people raise their self esteem. People don’t even seem to think it can be raised, never mind setting aside time and money to work with a coach.

You haven’t asked about the solution or way to improve one’s life if one is insecure or has low self-esteem. We can spend endless time thinking of excuses and explanations about why and how there is something wrong with us. I believe that any treatment should be focused on the client’s goals and building strengths and resourceful states or feelings.
Are you interested in writing about “Clean Language” as a coaching treatment for insecurity and low self-esteem? I could explain it to you or give you a session. I’m currently working with someone to see if I can raise someone’s self-esteem with three hours of coaching.
Would you do a follow up article on the effectiveness of Clean Language coaching?
How do you measure self-esteem? One widely used method is the Rosenberg scale. It asks about how the participant feels about him/herself, if their see their good qualities and whether they have much to be proud of.

http://www.wwnorton.com/college/psych/psychsci/media/rosenberg.htm

Self esteem and age

http://scienceblog.com/377/global-self-esteem-study-yields-no-feel-good-results/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-esteem

Kind Regards,
Brian Birch

This is my answer to a Yahoo Answers forum question:

I’m a self-esteem life coach and I find it an interesting question.

Let’s first answer it

Not all girls feel like Angelina Jolie and not all guys feel like Brad Pitt. Expectations can be out of control.

Guys may like feeling less judged or they might take advantage. They might find vulnerability makes them feel strong or they might want someone who is more sure of themselves. I think it’s best if there is awareness and honesty in who we are, what we want and what we offer.

Now, this is the bit I find interesting. I’ll assume you are the girl and you’re asking about yourself.

Is the most important thing what guys think? Some of them you haven’t even met.

Is the only worthwhile way of rating yourself the way guys rate you?

Is it as simple as turn on and turn off? Are there only two categories to fit into?

If you live your life this way, there are multiple problems.

- a guy you don’t know can say something that puts you in the wrong category;

- your rating and category can change without your control and quickly; and

- you may never really knw what all the criteria are; how they rate you.

We’re told “we’re worth it” only if we buy L’Oriel products and live up to impossible celebrity lifestyles.

If you build your self esteem, you’ll be able to say

- I’m enough as I am

- I’m doing everything I realistically can and that’s okay.

- I’m doing what I can to build the relationships I want to and that’s enough

- I know what I want in life or am in the process of figuring it out

- I can tell the difference between my feelings, people’s intentions and what I should do.

- I trust my own decisions

- I am or am doing my best to become who I want to be and I respect myself.

- What people say to me and how they treat me is not directly related to what I’m worth because I decide that, not them.

- As I become who I want to be, I will offer more in relationships and become more attractive and find someone that I want, not just someone who wants me.

Isn’t the big question:

Does a girl with low self esteem want to raise her self-esteem?

What is self-esteem? This definition is from Nathaniel Branden and his book “The six pillars of self-esteem”. It is the book I recommend when I’m helping people who are overcoming low self esteem. Here are the main ideas from the book.

- Self-esteem has two interrelated components. One is a sense of basic confidence in the face of life’s challenges; self-efficacy. The other is a sense of being worthy of happiness: self-respect. (page 27)

- Self-efficacy is not the conviction that we can never make an error. It is the conviction that we are able to think, to judge, to know – and to correct our errors. It is trust in our mental processes and abilities. (page 34)

Self-respect entails the expectation of friendship, love and happiness as natural, as a result to who we are and what we do. (page 37)

Here are the Six Pillars of Self Esteem from the book by Nathaniel Branden, used in overcoming low self-esteem. The Six pillars are Personal Integrity, Living Consciously, Self-Responsibility, Self-Acceptance, Self-Assertiveness, Living Purposefully.

A brief expansion of these pillars for overcoming low self-esteem is:

Personal Integrity: Live according to your beliefs and values

Living Consciously: Be realistic, have an active mind rather than passive, be willing to see and correct mistakes.

Self-Responsibility: accept that “no one owes me fulfilment of my wishes” (page 107)

Self-Acceptance: When we fight a block it grows stronger. When we acknowledge, experience and accept it, it begins to melt. (page 99)

Self-Assertiveness: My life does not belong to others and I am not here on earth to live up to someone else’s expectations. (page 121)

Living Purposefully: When we behave in ways that conflict with our judgement of what is appropriate, we lose face in out own eyes. (page 144)

Quotes from Nathaniel Branden and his book “The six pillars of self-esteem”.

- No, it is not [possible to have too much self-esteem]; no more than it is possible to have too much physical health or too powerful an immune system. Sometimes self-esteem is confused with boasting or bragging or arrogance; but such traits reflect not too much self-esteem, but too little; the reflect a lack of self-esteem. (page 19)

- It would be hard to name a more certain sign of poor self-esteem than the need to perceive some other group as inferior. (page 12)

- High-self-esteem people can surely be knocked down by an excess of troubles, but they are quicker to pick themselves up again. (page 18)

- If my aim is to prove I am “enough”, the project goes on to infinity – because the battle was already lost on the day I conceded the issue was debatable.

- When we live consciously we do not imagine that our feelings are an infallible guide to truth. (page 71)

I coach on self esteem and couldn’t resist commenting when someone on twitter wrote:

• Gunna just become a contained bottle and not show anyone how i feel it would be best that way (Author withheld for privacy)

Avoiding contact with people can be a sign of low self esteem.  Let me stress that from one comment, I can’t tell much about this author’s self-esteem and it may not be reflective on them or how they see themselves.   I’m just using it as a real life example.

Nathaniel Branden in 1969 briefly defined self-esteem as “…the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness”.  Other authors talk about it being linked to having unrealistic expectations of yourself and others; not trusting others and not opening up to others.

Several clients of mine have talked about difficulties about feeling adequate and worthy of the love or affection of others.  For people who don’t love themselves, it’s hard to believe that others like them and so interacting with others can be very painful.

I know my coaching approach works.  It was developed by psychotherapists and I’ve seen dramatic changes in one or a few sessions.  In a first session, one client told me things she said she had never told anyone, just after telling me she didn’t open up to people.

My coaching method uses very open questions to firmly keep the focus on what the client says.  On the quote above, I could ask:

• Is there anything else about “not show anyone how i feel”?
• What kind of “contained bottle”?
• What would you like to have happen?

Notice that I haven’t offered advice about what I guess the situation is.  I don’t believe I’ll know with any real certainty and depth.  The questions flexibly follow the client to keep discovering about their situation, their strengths and their opportunities.  Because of the right focus on the right things, gradually or suddenly, the client’s world becomes better, opportunities are clear and choices are possible.

It’s important that a coaching approach provides benefits that last.  Too many self-help or coaching ideas are quick fixes that turn out to be short-term highs.

I’m not sure there’s a quick way for me to convince you that help is available if you want it.  Telling you to “Trust me” can hardly be expected to when you’re not sure whether to even trust yourself.  So please think of what would help you choose a good next step.  What would help make sure you overcome your low self-esteem a little bit more each day?  If you’d like more ideas, my introductory video is a good place to start.

How does low self esteem affect the lives of people on Twitter?  I’ve been paying some attention to that and was wide eyed at the results.  Even over a few days trends seem to be emerging.  Look at these tweets:

Anonymous Tweets

• Doesn’t your self-esteem take a hit when an attractive person tells you they look bad today, yet they still look better than you?
• why do us girls have to have low self esteem even beyonce doesnt think she is hot lol
• watching britains next top model does little for self esteem when feeling like 5 lots of s***
• #BeforeWeGetMarried ima [I'm going to need you to]  need you to lose all yo low self esteem friends..
• I am the girl that is born with low self esteem
• For some reason, all artists have self-esteem issues. -Whoopi Goldberg
• My self-esteem too… I feel like no one cares. Emo!!!
• Dont Get How People Let Others Lower There Self-Esteem ! !
• People with low self-esteem degrade others to make themselves feel better.
• My new hair is totally different from my usual “thang” but already has two good reviews. Self esteem is on the rise!
• The foundation of lasting self-confidence and self esteem is excellence, mastery of your work. ~Brian Tracy (see my other blog message for my coments on this one).
• A woman with self esteem is dynamic, attractive, and inviting. Men love women who are confident and secure.

It seems to affect relationships, career, finances, friends, beauty and the fundamental way people see themselves.  It’s not just a feeling, a passing bad thought.

What kind of issue is low self-esteem for you?  Why not take a moment to consider that.  ….So if that’s the way it is, what happens next?  When you start to notice that you have low self-esteem, what usually happens next?

• Do you dismiss the thought , telling yourself  you can’t do anything about it?
• Do you throw yourself into your next task of the day?
• Do you tidy your room, check your hair or just distract yourself?

I’m not trying to be mean or unhelpful by reminding you of awkward thoughts and feelings.  My message to you is that this is a choice; your choice.  When you realise you have low self-esteem, you choose what happens next.

You could:

• do nothing.  If you fall in a puddle, you have the right to sit and stay in the puddle.  If I was coaching you, all I’d say to you is “You’re in a puddle, what happens next?”.  It’s worth noting my question.  No agenda, no rescuing you.  You can act as a child, adult, hero, victim or whatever.  But sooner or later you’ll realise what you’re doing and you’ll face the question “If that’s what you are doing, what would you like to do?”.  Yes, most people move to the next option.
• accept your situation.  This is the “I accept I’m the puddle and I won’t complain about it”.  Again, I’d let you sit there, but I’ll ask you about what’s around the puddle and you’ll realise what other things you can do that are more rewarding/ fun/ satisfying.  I don’t sound that helpful do I?  If we sing “If you’re happy and you know it, clap you’re hands”, you might hit me or skip to the end of the street.  If I tune in to what’s happening to you and all your choices, it can take a bit more time, but we’ll discover some sort of solution for every problem.
• deal with it yourself.  This might work and yet be realistic with yourself.  Has it worked before or does everything go around in a loop?
• read some self-improvement books, get some CDs etc.  They can be inspiring, educational and give some tools.  They are also easily avoided and may miss the mark.  How many books do you have that you haven’t read? Is it just SHELF -improvement?
• take up a hobby, relax more etc.  This can help your environment and the context.  That may be enough for you.  If it’s not, you’re back to a choice on which of these options to take.
• ask friends and family for help.  This option has a whole range of possibilities.  You may have someone who cares and is skilled.  It may be getting you down that they are neither caring nor skilled at helping you.  It can help a relationship to support each other and it can lead to frustration on both sides.  I’m pretty demanding if I do ask for help, and if I ask for too much, I then end up thinking about the feeling of the other person, which defeats the original point of the exercise.
• ask for help from a skilled person; a coach, a therapist, a priest etc.  Someone trained to listen, hold the space and help you get to solutions if and when you want to.  Careful here too, because they may be skilled but have their own agenda (religious), their own assumptions (people need daily achievements or deep enlightenment) and methods (focus on breathing, improve your environment).  NLP and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can offer useful models to understand what might be going on.  Their structured approach can feel a bit restrictive and won’t flex to match what’s happening for you at each moment.  Someone once asked me to tell her 100 options for what I could do in a situation.  We had a fight when I refuse to produce more than 30 pointless options.  She thought it’d be creative and then I asked her how she knew how my creativity worked?  Her assumptions and rigid structure got in the way of my support.

• ask for help from a skilled person who will work with your unique patterns, your sequences of thoughts and feelings and use metaphors to work with some of the things that may be hard to express.  I’m proud to say this is what I do.  I’ll keep with you as you discover your situation and the associated feelings, thoughts, bodily sensations and metaphors.  We’ll discover blocks, impasses and then new experiences, hidden help and resources.  For me, when I get coached in this work, the end result is like a weight being lifted, walls being broken down, being a giant or having unlimited energy like the sun.  I love the metaphors and the feelings associated with them.  I’m certified in this technique, attend practice groups and get supervised to continually build my skill.  Clients have talked about entering a new garden, shining sunshine where there was cold shadow and a beautiful calm lake.  You’ll discover your own metaphors.  All I’ll assume is that you’d like something new to happen and that’s it’s okay to work with simple questions so I can follow what’s going on for you.  We will agree how to work together and how not to; what my role needs to be and what you need to be like.  It all begins with “What would you like to have happen?”.

Please contact me to move a step closer to what you’d like to have happen.

Brian Birch
My phone numbers are 020 8816 7343 or 07703 176167 (UK)
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People on Twitter said:

• RT @KingChiefAlot44 girls wit low self-esteem..I cant do nothin fo ya..If u dont love yaself, nobody can and I aint gone waist my time tryin
• #GayFact Most gay relationships don’t work because It involves two men,with huge ego’s that act like two women with low self esteem [see separate blog post]
• Think self-esteem only effects yourself? Read how many changes for yourself can help others as well [AboutWisdom1]
• i don’t wanna be go out with someone if they’ll leave me anyway.
  i don’t know how to deal with it my very low self esteem
• at first i found yr lack of confidence to tell me how u feel cute.. but now it’s just plain ANNOYING!

Brian says

So people see a strong link between low self-esteem and relationships.   When we address our low self-esteem issues, it helps the relationship too.  The benefits are there and for some people it’s about how to raise self esteem.  I hope this website helps.  Let me know what else I can do to make it bettter.

Twitter says:

RT @LG408: #GayFact Most gay relationships don’t work because It involves two men,with huge egos that act like two women with low self esteem

Brian says:

Ouch.  That’s one of those comments that’s funny, quite true and probably tough to be on the receiving end of.   I coach people to overcome low self esteem, and you know, I can’t see a gay guy’s self-esteem going up by that comment.  It’s a poke  at both the masculine and feminine sides of gay men and is critical of both.

I’m curious what happens if this is the dynamic and the men want to make it work.   I’d ask them about their aims for the relationship, if they agree about the ego and self-esteem and the consequences of those characteristics.  A few first steps to overcoming low self-esteem.

One client felt that overcoming low self esteem was like trying to deal with the choppy waters of her life. Her aim was to stay afloat emotionally and reach a calm area where she could relax. We worked together and she learned a lot about what needs to happen to have that calm and the benefits it creates in her personal life and relationships.

Linguists, such as Harvard’s Steven Pinker, and scientists are realising the natural uses of metaphor to understand complex issues in our lives. We might use a metaphor to summarise a situation rather than get overloaded with all the emotional, intellectual and social aspects to it.
I’m a life coach who realises it’s not always helpful to lay down the path for a client to follow. The client may want to find your own way and method of travel. I focus on the client’s goals but use very open questions to make sure I’m not making too many assumptions about their metaphor or what will happen next.
I’m interested in reviewing that “choppy water” session with my client. To like and learn from a metaphor is good, but real benefits are more likely when she learns how to use that knowledge and apply in to her life. That’s something we’ll explore if she chooses to revisit that metaphor.