Some comments from a university journalist regarding self-esteem, insecurity and the effects which she saw as promiscuity, abusive relationships etc.

Good for you, I’m glad you’re looking into the area. I’m happy to respond. I’m quite precise on some points so I don’t like loose assertions.

I urge you to ask why you are writing the article. Is it to help people improve their lives? Is it to gain readers? Is it to help them understand the status quo or past? I’m only really interested in the first one.
Without defining self-esteem, a debate about can easily be about prejudice and judging others.

Many people use it incorrectly as meaning “You are acting in ways that ways that do not reflect my values”. That strikes me as intolerance rather than low self-esteem.

Nathaniel Branden, the writer of several books on self-esteem defines self-esteem as “the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness.” These challenges of life including finding and keeping a job and caring for oneself.

This is a long way from giving each child a medal to make them feel good about themselves. You have to experience life to feel that you can meet its challenges.

More on good and bad definitions of self-esteem

http://www.overcoming-low-self-esteem.com/tag/self-esteem-is-not

To make strong statements that self-esteem makes you healthier, wealthier, happier and a better Christian/ Muslim/ believer, one should have large scale studies to back up those statement. The definition of self-esteem should be clear.

As for treatments for low self-esteem, if you are measuring treatments or interventions, there should be control participants to compare against and neither participant nor facilitator should know whether the treatment or the placebo is being applied. That might work for aspirin, but it can be difficult in a talking cure.

Some challenge the idea that self-esteem is a good thing. Much of this seems to be based on a warped and poor definition of self-esteem.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=exploding-the-self-esteem

I offer people a coaching service to raise their self-esteem, i.e., to help them raise their sense of competence to meet the challenges of life and their sense of being worthy of love. I see these things as self-evidently worthwhile or indeed, I leave it to the client to determine that they are. If they want self-esteem in order to be happy, they are better off doing coaching focused on being happy, their true goal. For my clients, self-esteem is the concept that they are after.

More on N. Branden

http://www.overcoming-low-self-esteem.com/category/theme/six-pillars-of-self-esteem-nathaniel-branden

Do they?
It’s possible to feel that we are worthy of love and competent to move home and find a job and then also sleep around, get into the wrong relationship and do badly in our job. We can feel awful about ourselves and useless at times, but happen to be very good at reviewing legal documents. Self-esteem is a broad, long-ish view of ourselves and doesn’t necessarily have direct impact on our behaviours and relationships.

I see insecurity as different to self-esteem in ways such as you can feel insecure about your job due to the economy but feel that you are a competent person worthy of love.

You could search for Twitter quotes about self-esteem. People on twitter talk openly about low self-esteem.

I can help people raise their self esteem. People don’t even seem to think it can be raised, never mind setting aside time and money to work with a coach.

You haven’t asked about the solution or way to improve one’s life if one is insecure or has low self-esteem. We can spend endless time thinking of excuses and explanations about why and how there is something wrong with us. I believe that any treatment should be focused on the client’s goals and building strengths and resourceful states or feelings.
Are you interested in writing about “Clean Language” as a coaching treatment for insecurity and low self-esteem? I could explain it to you or give you a session. I’m currently working with someone to see if I can raise someone’s self-esteem with three hours of coaching.
Would you do a follow up article on the effectiveness of Clean Language coaching?
How do you measure self-esteem? One widely used method is the Rosenberg scale. It asks about how the participant feels about him/herself, if their see their good qualities and whether they have much to be proud of.

http://www.wwnorton.com/college/psych/psychsci/media/rosenberg.htm

Self esteem and age

http://scienceblog.com/377/global-self-esteem-study-yields-no-feel-good-results/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-esteem

Kind Regards,
Brian Birch

“Star Syndrome” is an article in today’s Evening Standard magazine about self-esteem and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It has many superficially convincing stories about children and adults regarding themselves more highly than the facts allow and placing themselves the rest of us mere mortals.

It’s a good topic for debate. How should we rate ourselves?  But unfortunately author Helen Kirwan-Taylor doesn’t really define her terms consistently. Indeed, she defines self-esteem and then treats the term as something different.  She quotes W Keith Campbell, Professor of Social Psychology at the University of North Carolina and co-author of “the Narcissism Epidemic; Living in the Age of Entitlement” as saying “It’s way beyond self-esteem.  People are confusing self-esteem, which means thinking you are a person of worth, with narcissism.  Narcissists think, ‘I’m special‘ “.

Now this agrees with Nathaniel Branden who equates self-esteem with your immune system; it’s a good thing of which you can’t get too much.  How can you think you deserve happiness and are worthy – too much?  Thinking you’re better than other people is something different.  You can’t be too protected from disease and you can’t believe too much that you deserve to live, to love, to be loved and be happy. Nathaniel Branden’s book, “The six pillars of self-esteem” is a  top-6000 selling book on Amazon.com and he has written several other self-esteem books.

One of Branden’s six pillars of self-esteem is “Living Consciously” which is basically being aware of what is happening and to behave accordingly.  He advocates realism, honesty, admitting mistakes and seeking out the truth (page 69).  Melanie Fennell in “Overcoming Low Self-Esteem “, another popular book, says “This book is not about the power of positive thinking, or about encouraging you to become as unrealistically positive about yourself as you were unrealistically negative.  It is about achieving a balanced, unbiased view of yourself…“.

So far we have

1) it’s about valuing yourself

2) it requires you to be realistic.

The ES magazine article basically takes issue with people over-valuing themselves and being unrealistic.  Fair enough, but that’s not them having too much self-esteem.  Call it narcissism or inflated self-image if you like, but self-esteem is a particular thing and it requires realism.  Branden makes the point that bravado is likely to be linked to low self-esteem.  It seems that if you are not realistic, you’ll have low-self esteem, but you may put up a considerable front.

Another quote from Robyn M Dawes that “Self-esteem is not always a force for good, it can actually be hurtful” clearly requires a clear definition of self-esteem and does not use the reasonable and popular ones above.  The writer probably got it from this website and it includes the note that “Hawkins argues that Baumeister and other critics confuse self-esteem with egotism, which is not the same thing. Rather, he said, healthy self-esteem ‘comes from being personally and socially responsible.’ “.

So let’s say yes to realism, a sense of self-worth and being aware of all the things that go into making that an undiluted and positive thing. We need a term for the positive experience of ourselves that justifies our existence, the extension of our existence and increasing the offering we give; and self-esteem is that term.  Let’s not get overly concerned with ourselves, our feelings or trying to better other.

Quotes from Nathaniel Branden and his book “The six pillars of self-esteem”.

- No, it is not [possible to have too much self-esteem]; no more than it is possible to have too much physical health or too powerful an immune system. Sometimes self-esteem is confused with boasting or bragging or arrogance; but such traits reflect not too much self-esteem, but too little; they reflect a lack of self-esteem. (page 19)

- It would be hard to name a more certain sign of poor self-esteem than the need to perceive some other group as inferior. (page 12)

This is my answer to a Yahoo Answers forum question:

I’m a self-esteem life coach and I find it an interesting question.

Let’s first answer it

Not all girls feel like Angelina Jolie and not all guys feel like Brad Pitt. Expectations can be out of control.

Guys may like feeling less judged or they might take advantage. They might find vulnerability makes them feel strong or they might want someone who is more sure of themselves. I think it’s best if there is awareness and honesty in who we are, what we want and what we offer.

Now, this is the bit I find interesting. I’ll assume you are the girl and you’re asking about yourself.

Is the most important thing what guys think? Some of them you haven’t even met.

Is the only worthwhile way of rating yourself the way guys rate you?

Is it as simple as turn on and turn off? Are there only two categories to fit into?

If you live your life this way, there are multiple problems.

- a guy you don’t know can say something that puts you in the wrong category;

- your rating and category can change without your control and quickly; and

- you may never really knw what all the criteria are; how they rate you.

We’re told “we’re worth it” only if we buy L’Oriel products and live up to impossible celebrity lifestyles.

If you build your self esteem, you’ll be able to say

- I’m enough as I am

- I’m doing everything I realistically can and that’s okay.

- I’m doing what I can to build the relationships I want to and that’s enough

- I know what I want in life or am in the process of figuring it out

- I can tell the difference between my feelings, people’s intentions and what I should do.

- I trust my own decisions

- I am or am doing my best to become who I want to be and I respect myself.

- What people say to me and how they treat me is not directly related to what I’m worth because I decide that, not them.

- As I become who I want to be, I will offer more in relationships and become more attractive and find someone that I want, not just someone who wants me.

Isn’t the big question:

Does a girl with low self esteem want to raise her self-esteem?

What is self-esteem? This definition is from Nathaniel Branden and his book “The six pillars of self-esteem”. It is the book I recommend when I’m helping people who are overcoming low self esteem. Here are the main ideas from the book.

- Self-esteem has two interrelated components. One is a sense of basic confidence in the face of life’s challenges; self-efficacy. The other is a sense of being worthy of happiness: self-respect. (page 27)

- Self-efficacy is not the conviction that we can never make an error. It is the conviction that we are able to think, to judge, to know – and to correct our errors. It is trust in our mental processes and abilities. (page 34)

Self-respect entails the expectation of friendship, love and happiness as natural, as a result to who we are and what we do. (page 37)

Here are the Six Pillars of Self Esteem from the book by Nathaniel Branden, used in overcoming low self-esteem. The Six pillars are Personal Integrity, Living Consciously, Self-Responsibility, Self-Acceptance, Self-Assertiveness, Living Purposefully.

A brief expansion of these pillars for overcoming low self-esteem is:

Personal Integrity: Live according to your beliefs and values

Living Consciously: Be realistic, have an active mind rather than passive, be willing to see and correct mistakes.

Self-Responsibility: accept that “no one owes me fulfilment of my wishes” (page 107)

Self-Acceptance: When we fight a block it grows stronger. When we acknowledge, experience and accept it, it begins to melt. (page 99)

Self-Assertiveness: My life does not belong to others and I am not here on earth to live up to someone else’s expectations. (page 121)

Living Purposefully: When we behave in ways that conflict with our judgement of what is appropriate, we lose face in out own eyes. (page 144)

Quotes from Nathaniel Branden and his book “The six pillars of self-esteem”.

- No, it is not [possible to have too much self-esteem]; no more than it is possible to have too much physical health or too powerful an immune system. Sometimes self-esteem is confused with boasting or bragging or arrogance; but such traits reflect not too much self-esteem, but too little; the reflect a lack of self-esteem. (page 19)

- It would be hard to name a more certain sign of poor self-esteem than the need to perceive some other group as inferior. (page 12)

- High-self-esteem people can surely be knocked down by an excess of troubles, but they are quicker to pick themselves up again. (page 18)

- If my aim is to prove I am “enough”, the project goes on to infinity – because the battle was already lost on the day I conceded the issue was debatable.

- When we live consciously we do not imagine that our feelings are an infallible guide to truth. (page 71)

I coached a client on overcoming low self-esteem to help her at a job interview.  If someone doesn’t think she deserves a job and is worried about it, the challenge is often one of self-esteem, not just confidence in good interview preparation.  Click on the video, set outside Westminster Abbey in London, near the coaching session, for more details.

Join my mailing list to hear more information (fill in the form on the top right of the website).  Please comment or contact me to let me know if this video helped you in overcoming low self-esteem.

Photo only - Overcoming-low-self-esteem-job

PhilosophersNotes on YouTube comments Six Pillars of Self-Esteem book.

Are you in an adversarial relationship with yourself?  Find out what this relates to.

This is a great book to help you in overcoming low self esteem.

Nathaniel Branden quotes.  These will help you in overcoming low self esteem.

Ask me questions if you want to find out more about overcoming low self esteem.

J, from Liverpool asks:
Brian, I have low self worth and I don’t believe what counsellors tell me. How can I change all that?

Brian says:
I am a self-esteem life coach and I use simple questions and your words to ask about your story, like in the questions above. Sooner or later it creates insights and you can see your opportunities and choices. It’s easy to reject other people’s advice. Sometimes you may not trust yourself. But if you keep looking for what’s true, you’ll soon experience the best your life can offer.

- You have no self-worth, you don’t believe any of what you do with counsellors and you’d like to know how to change your low self-worth?
- What do you know about what needs to happen for things to change?
- You don’t seem to trust yourself or counsellors; what or whom do you trust?
- What kind of change do you want?
- When there is a change, what happens next?

Here are the Six Pillars of Self Esteem from the book by Nathaniel Branden, used in overcoming low self-esteem. The Six pillars are Personal Integrity, Living Consciously, Self-Responsibility, Self-Acceptance, Self-Assertiveness, Living Purposefully.

A brief expansion of these pillars for overcoming low self-esteem is:
Personal Integrity: Live according to your beliefs and values
Living Consciously: Be realistic, have an active mind rather than passive, be willing to see and correct mistakes.
Self-Responsibility: accept that “no one owes me fulfilment of my wishes” (page 107)
Self-Acceptance: When we fight a block it grows stronger. When we acknowledge, experience and accept it, it begins to melt. (page 99)
Self-Assertiveness: My life does not belong to others and I am not here on earth to live up to someone else’s expectations. (page 121)
Living Purposefully: When we behave in ways that conflict with our judgement of what is appropriate, we lose face in out own eyes. (page 144)

Watch several videos on Low self esteem on my YouTube channel:
http://www.youtube.com/user/Overlowselfesteem

I have several blog posts and videos that explains the Six Pillars of Self Esteem Nathaniel Branden.
I talk about how you can succeed in overcoming low self-esteem. The

Six pillars are

• Personal Integrity;
• Living Consciously;
• Self-Responsibility;
• Self-Acceptance;
• Self-Assertiveness; and
• Living Purposefully.

The shortest course in Overcoming Low Self-Esteem I can think of is being able to say:

• It’s up to me to live the life I want; and
• I will accept my strengths and I can deal with lie’s challenges.

If you can say these things, I think you’ll probably feel quite good about yourself when we talk about the six pillars of self-esteem.  If you can’t say these things, I suggest you email me about it. You’ll soon be Overcoming Low Self-Esteem.

This video discusses a twitter quote that links to overcoming low self-esteem:

• It completely ruins my fragile self-esteem when someone follows me, reads my tweets, realizes I’m not interesting, and then unfollows. Sigh.

Nathaniel Branden’s six pillars of self-esteem are:

Brian Birch explains how you can succeed in overcoming low self-esteem.
The Six pillars are
-Personal Integrity
-Living Consciously
-Self-Responsibility
-Self-Acceptance
-Self-Assertiveness
-Living Purposefully

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Six Pillars of Self Esteem Nathaniel Branden and Overcoming low self-esteem

Overcoming low self-esteem would benefit this client enormously as he was living much of his life with those sorts of struggles.

Let’s look at his issues in terms of the six pillars of self-esteem of Nathaniel Branden.

Personal Integrity

This client was self-sabotaging himself in daily life by not organising his environment and getting enough sleep to do the things he wanted.  His lack of productivity was affecting his work ethic and making him feel bad about himself.

In other ways, he puts a lot of pressure on himself to be a great member of the family and employee.  Next time we may explore if this has negative effects and is out of balance.

Living Consciously

He said “I don’t have the strength” to change and learn how to deal with this.  He had many strengths and was in many ways very successful.  Being realistic and being able to access the good things you know about yourself when you need to is important.  We worked on positive things and found a location for where he thinks about “good things”.  This helped us learn more about resources and things that help.

Self-responsibility

Again, this was mixed. This is about being responsible for things that concern you.  Caring for yourself.  This client sometimes did and sometimes didn’t.

Self-Acceptance

Accepting his strengths is hard for this client and he is hyper aware of weaknesses and faults.  By telling himself he has to work hard to be “good enough”, then he is accepting he might not be good enough from the start.  To be sure he is good enough, he makes things harder for himself and this often is self-sabotaging.

Self-Assertiveness

He is learning recently to know and assert his needs.

Living Purposefully

Again he has goals and roles in life but some of these put pressure on him.  Seeing these in context and with the other pillars improved, things are likely to be fine.

Our session

As coach, I asked about these pillars and different questions for the client.  By focusing and sometimes challenging his perception of his world and himself, we were able to start to understand how he views himself.  Over several sessions, I expect we can greatly increase his awareness of his strengths and help him in overcoming low self-esteem.