The method I used to help people overcome low self esteem is called Clean Language.  The facilitator (me) helps a client explore what’s happening for them.  We focus mainly on what they would like to have happend and resources that help that.  The Clean Language method is so good at focusing on the good stuff and the exploring that helps find the good stuff, that powerful results can happen.

I won’t be blogging about self-esteem any more but I continue to develop my skills at Clean Language which can help in a variety of areas.  If you have an issue you’d like to work on, you are welcome to contact me and we can talk about me or another coach using Clean Language to help you.

I’m exchanging emails with a journalist who is talking about low self-esteem and gave this example.  I’d like to use it to explain the Clean Language way of coaching.

“In my experience as a college student, I’m surrounded by girls who act irrationally, especially involving men. An example of this type of girl would be one that calls the guy she’s interested in 20 times, only to leave him another voicemail. It’s obvious he’s not interested in talking to her. However, she doesn’t have the sense of pride in herself to stop chasing and embarrassing herself. In my mind experiences like this go hand in hand with low self-esteem. Men tend to treat women with low self esteem worse than those confident in themselves because they know they can get away with more. They know that no matter how badly they treat this specific girl, she’ll be back at their side the moment they need them.”

Let’s say I was talking to the girl who did the phoning.  I’ll imagine the conversation and make annotations. Let’s call her Jo.

Jo: I’ve called this guy and he didn’t respond.

Coach: What would you like to have happen?  [This invites her to state her goal or desired outcome.  ]

Jo: How do I get him to call? [At least it's clear what she wants. Knowing some context, we strongly suspect it's not realistic, but it's Clean Language and we leave our assumptions and interpretations out of this coaching.  Sounds daft, bear with me.]

Coach:  I’m here to help you find out what to do.  [I won't give direct advice]

Is there anything else about him calling?

Jo: Maybe he’s away.  [Likely to be some sort of denial]

Coach: When he calls, what happens next? [I'm going with the story she gives me]

Jo: We’ll go out and everything will be fine.  Fun, a little romantic.  [She is in full flight of denial. Bear with me]

Coach: And you called and when he calls, things will be fun, a little romantic.  Is there anything else about “when he calls”?

Jo: My friends don’t think he’ll call.  [At some point, the extra information she knows challenges her self-denial story ]

Coach: And you called and when he calls, things will be fun, a little romantic.  And your friends don’t think he’ll call.  Is there anything else about “when he calls”? [I focus on an area for a while to see wht she knows.  I'm not using my own ideas and am using her words, so there is no incentive to emphasise her point as if I'm not listening; I clearly am.]

Jo: He will call.  [Rigid denial]

Coach: And you called and when he calls, things will be fun, a lttle romantic. And your friends don’t think he’ll call.
And what would he like to have happen? [I keep returning her undeniable words to her and make her increasingly aware of how solid the story is she is constructing.  She would now be very aware her friends dont' think he will call and she can't think why he wouldn't. ]

Jo: He won’t call. [Actually, she might carry on for longer, but she will see a purer truth of the situation, a recurring pattern or a habit of hers after a while]

Coach: And you’d like him  to call and he won’t call.  What would you like to have happen now?  [We've reached a dead end on what I can achieve.  Either she wants nothing, something else, or finds a way to have him call.]

Jo:  I want him to call.

Coach: And you’d like him to call and he won’t call.  What kind of “I” wants him to call when he won’t call?  [She's persistent and I'm wondering where the real goal is.]

Jo: I’m scared of failing my exams.

Coach: And you’re scared of failing your exams.  And what would you like to have happen?

Jo: I’d like to be proud of myself. [A much wider goal, but something we would work on.  In another case, it might not be self-esteem, but might be about the exams themselves and the task of studying.  At this point the exact nature of why she was chasing him is open to speculation, but I focus on her and her present goal.]

Coach: And is there anything else about being proud of yourself?

…

For more about Clean Language, follow this link.

For more about self-esteem, please contact me.

Some comments from a university journalist regarding self-esteem, insecurity and the effects which she saw as promiscuity, abusive relationships etc.

Good for you, I’m glad you’re looking into the area. I’m happy to respond. I’m quite precise on some points so I don’t like loose assertions.

I urge you to ask why you are writing the article. Is it to help people improve their lives? Is it to gain readers? Is it to help them understand the status quo or past? I’m only really interested in the first one.
Without defining self-esteem, a debate about can easily be about prejudice and judging others.

Many people use it incorrectly as meaning “You are acting in ways that ways that do not reflect my values”. That strikes me as intolerance rather than low self-esteem.

Nathaniel Branden, the writer of several books on self-esteem defines self-esteem as “the disposition to experience oneself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness.” These challenges of life including finding and keeping a job and caring for oneself.

This is a long way from giving each child a medal to make them feel good about themselves. You have to experience life to feel that you can meet its challenges.

More on good and bad definitions of self-esteem

http://www.overcoming-low-self-esteem.com/tag/self-esteem-is-not

To make strong statements that self-esteem makes you healthier, wealthier, happier and a better Christian/ Muslim/ believer, one should have large scale studies to back up those statement. The definition of self-esteem should be clear.

As for treatments for low self-esteem, if you are measuring treatments or interventions, there should be control participants to compare against and neither participant nor facilitator should know whether the treatment or the placebo is being applied. That might work for aspirin, but it can be difficult in a talking cure.

Some challenge the idea that self-esteem is a good thing. Much of this seems to be based on a warped and poor definition of self-esteem.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=exploding-the-self-esteem

I offer people a coaching service to raise their self-esteem, i.e., to help them raise their sense of competence to meet the challenges of life and their sense of being worthy of love. I see these things as self-evidently worthwhile or indeed, I leave it to the client to determine that they are. If they want self-esteem in order to be happy, they are better off doing coaching focused on being happy, their true goal. For my clients, self-esteem is the concept that they are after.

More on N. Branden

http://www.overcoming-low-self-esteem.com/category/theme/six-pillars-of-self-esteem-nathaniel-branden

Do they?
It’s possible to feel that we are worthy of love and competent to move home and find a job and then also sleep around, get into the wrong relationship and do badly in our job. We can feel awful about ourselves and useless at times, but happen to be very good at reviewing legal documents. Self-esteem is a broad, long-ish view of ourselves and doesn’t necessarily have direct impact on our behaviours and relationships.

I see insecurity as different to self-esteem in ways such as you can feel insecure about your job due to the economy but feel that you are a competent person worthy of love.

You could search for Twitter quotes about self-esteem. People on twitter talk openly about low self-esteem.

I can help people raise their self esteem. People don’t even seem to think it can be raised, never mind setting aside time and money to work with a coach.

You haven’t asked about the solution or way to improve one’s life if one is insecure or has low self-esteem. We can spend endless time thinking of excuses and explanations about why and how there is something wrong with us. I believe that any treatment should be focused on the client’s goals and building strengths and resourceful states or feelings.
Are you interested in writing about “Clean Language” as a coaching treatment for insecurity and low self-esteem? I could explain it to you or give you a session. I’m currently working with someone to see if I can raise someone’s self-esteem with three hours of coaching.
Would you do a follow up article on the effectiveness of Clean Language coaching?
How do you measure self-esteem? One widely used method is the Rosenberg scale. It asks about how the participant feels about him/herself, if their see their good qualities and whether they have much to be proud of.

http://www.wwnorton.com/college/psych/psychsci/media/rosenberg.htm

Self esteem and age

http://scienceblog.com/377/global-self-esteem-study-yields-no-feel-good-results/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-esteem

Kind Regards,
Brian Birch

If you’re overcoming low self esteem, how do you know you’re getting value for money?

Be enthusiastic. Remember the placebo effect – 30% of medicine is showbiz” Ronald Spark

For a medicine, coaching or any intervention to be scientifically valid, it must be proven to work.  Roughly 30% of people can be convinced that a pill or intervention works then nothing special is happening.   Sugar pills, impressive certificates on the wall and convincing presentation can seem to work wonders for us.

For coaching, a four part test I use is:

- did you like it?

- did you learn something?

- will you use it?

- will you benefit?

This at least is a way to criticise personal development methods that promise the earth but have little benefit.  It’s not a perfect test, but it’s right to be critical of interventions to be sure that we are not being duped.  Has your mood changed?  Would someone else notice changes in behaviour?  Now we’re   starting to demand evidence and get value for money.

So if you’re overcoming low self esteem, I hope that helps  you know you’re getting value for money.

Here are some of my messages from twitter, often the longer ones.

@goldiehawn Children are an asset to the family – allow them to contribute – we don’t give self esteem – its earned-but can be taken away

Google “self-esteem” and you’ll find dozens of pages about how to overcome it, build it, boost it and raise it.  There are “how to”s, step by steps, signs and characteristics.

There is certainly a good quantity.  Some of them are poor, telling you to smile a lot and tell your mirror nice things about you.  And some are very good, with thought, observation and references.

Much like cooking books, I don’t think the value is in having another blog.  It’s in trying out what they advise.  Creating a plan for yourself or making a commitment to help yourself.

You may need to try a few things, a few authors and products.  If you know a little about how you learn best and how you work, use this to choose what you pay attention to.

And then, just like cooking books, rather than just having things to read, you’ll have nourishment and growth.

Overcoming low self esteem blogs are like cookbooks

I’m a Life Coach, not a psychotherapist, therapist, doctor or psychologist.   Some people who contact me show signs of clinical depression or suicide.   I want to do what’s best for each person and that may be to refer them on to a medical doctor or therapist.

I do this job because I care for people who have low self-esteem.  If you have signs of mental health issues, including clinical depression or suicide, I have listed organisations below who can care, support and help you .

—————————————————————–

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger because of thoughts of suicide

Please call 999 now if you are in the UK.

Please call 911 now if you are in the US.

If you are somewhere else, please call your local emergency number.

—————————————————————–

Extract from “Depression and Suicide, by Kevin Caruso, Suicide.org”

Untreated depression is the number one cause for suicide.

You are not depressed when you feel sad for a day or two; you are depressed when you experience a prolonged period of sadness that interferes with your ability to function. Depression occurs because of an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. It is an illness. And it is highly treatable.

Unfortunately, many people do not receive treatment for depression, and thus are at risk for suicide.

If you or have some of these symptoms below, please seek help immediately:

• Feeling sad for two or more weeks
• Feeling lethargic — feeling like you have no energy
• Unable to concentrate
• Sleeping too much or too little
• Eating too much or too little
• Feeling worthless
• Feeling hopeless
• Feeling helpless
• Feeling negative or pessimistic
• Losing interest in activities that you previously enjoyed
• Crying frequently
• Withdrawing from others
• Neglecting personal appearance
• Feeling angry
• Feeling guilty
• Unable to think clearly
• Unable to make decisions

Basically, if “the blues” do not go away after two weeks, you probably have depression. And you need to get treatment. So please make an appointment with a medical doctor and a therapist so you may be properly evaluated. Many people do not think of going to a medical doctor when they are depressed, but it is an important step because there could be a physical problem beside the chemical imbalance that is causing the depression. And please get into therapy. If the therapist believes that you need medication he or she can refer you to someone.

Get help now.

Get treatment now.

Kevin Caruso

Suicide.org

—————————————————————–

If I am assured that the right safeguards are in place with a client who at one point showed depression or suicidal signs, I will consider working with that person.  Safeguards may include:

• on-going treatment by a medical doctor or therapist;
• that professional considers that life coaching may be appropriate and useful;
• the prospective client considers that life coaching may be appropriate and useful;
• a no suicide contract exists;
• I believe the prospective client is being honest and open with the medical doctor (or the therapist) and me;
• I am aware of no further causes for concern.

—————————————————————–

Useful organisations

In the United Kingdom

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy
tel. 01455 883 316 web: www.bacp.co.uk
For details of local practitioners

Depression Alliance
tel. 0845 123 2320 web: www.depressionalliance.org
For anyone affected by depression

Papyrus (Prevention of Young Suicide)
helpline: 08000 68 41 41 web: www.papyrus-uk.org
Committed to the prevention of young suicide

Samaritans

Chris, PO Box 9090, Stirling FK8 2SA
helpline: 08457 90 90 90 in the UK and Northern Ireland
email: jo@samaritans.org web: www.samaritans.org
24-hour emotional support
1850 60 90 90 in the Republic of Ireland

In the United States

Suicide is NEVER the answer,

getting help is the answer.

If you are suicidal, have attempted suicide,

or are a suicide survivor,

you will find help, hope, comfort, understanding,

support, love, and extensive resources here.

I Love You.

And I will never stop fighting for you,

Kevin Caruso

Suicide.org

Founder, Executive Director, Editor-in-Chief

Senior Writer, Forum Administrator

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger

because of thoughts of suicide

Please call 911 now

If you are not in the U.S., please call your local emergency number.

1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433)

1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)

Tweet of the day

Self confidence is very important. But without compassion and humility, it’s just arrogance.  by MsKerslake (Keeli Kerslake)

These are some thoughts and twitter messages to think about.  I may not agree with all of them.

• Confidence is preparation. Everything else is beyond your control. ~Richard Kline #quotes  by winsenkamto (Winsen Kamto)
• One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation. by Carmenbzr19 (Charles Lipsky)
• We know what we want. Never let haters make u think ur confidence is you being stubborn. There’s a difference!  by GrantKC (KG)
• “Fear is a reflex; confidence is a choice.” @YourInnerMusic
• self-confidence is the sexiest and most attractive thing about ANYONE. period. by pnuts_mama
• Self confidence is very important. But without compassion and humility, it’s just arrogance. by MsKerslake
• Girls who need constant affirmation of being pretty or liked are kinda sad. self esteem is a thing of the self by karataychop (Lorraine Ijeoma)
• Something I failed to do in life was love myself before I loved others .. That explains my low self esteem & insecurties. by Love_Anisah