The method I used to help people overcome low self esteem is called Clean Language.  The facilitator (me) helps a client explore what’s happening for them.  We focus mainly on what they would like to have happend and resources that help that.  The Clean Language method is so good at focusing on the good stuff and the exploring that helps find the good stuff, that powerful results can happen.

I won’t be blogging about self-esteem any more but I continue to develop my skills at Clean Language which can help in a variety of areas.  If you have an issue you’d like to work on, you are welcome to contact me and we can talk about me or another coach using Clean Language to help you.

Here are some of my messages from twitter, often the longer ones.

@goldiehawn Children are an asset to the family – allow them to contribute – we don’t give self esteem – its earned-but can be taken away

Thanks for the quote on Twitter, @TheSCICoach.

Actually, we communicate with metaphor far more than we think.  Metaphors often link one idea or thing to something physical or something we can feel.

Metaphors are underlined in these messages from Twitter.

• Depression darkens ~ repels optimistic ones ~ no one wants blackness #haiku @Jannagae
• “Life can be pulled by goals just as surely as it can be pushed by drives.” – Viktor Frankl @FastSelfHelp
• A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool from a mountain top. #quote @SuuperG
• “A man’s homeland is wherever he prospers.”- Aristophanes (c. 448 – 385 BCE),Greece #Quote @AnnieSage
• The deepest craving in human beings is the need to be appreciated. #quote William James @skigerman
• To err from the right path is common to mankind. -Sophocles #quote @rahmalam
• Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. – Ralph Waldo Emerson. #quote @EmersonRalphyW

I’ve underlined some of the metaphors.  Scientists and linguists are realising how fundamental metaphors are for us to speak.  Clean Language coaching uses questions that often explore the metaphors we use.  This is the coaching method I use to help people overcome low self esteem.  To build confidence.  To grow taller. Metaphors abound.  Images hidden in words.

Please comment or retweet if you liked this post.  I’d be interested in your comments about metaphors you notice too.

Someone on Facebook says:

• Sticks and stones may break my bones but words … words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.

If you know where to look, the key words here are “might hurt”.  What kind of “might hurt” is that?  I wonder would the answer involve a series of thoughts, reactions, references to memories and feelings that result.

Wouldn’t it bo good to be able to walk through that sequence and stop at the point words hurt, and then take a different, more pleasant route.

If you like this blog, please comment or share it with friends.

Someone on twitter says:

• Will women ever be able to trust themselves or have enough self esteem to acknowledge that their doubts are usually right??!

Brian says:

There are three parts to this I’d like to comment on.

How can women acknowledge what is true?

Are women’s doubts usually right?

How does this affect women’s self esteem?

How you answer the questions can have quite an effect on your self esteem.

Let’s take the first question; How can women acknowledge what is true?

We tell ourselves a lot of things in the day.  “We’ll get there on time.” “It’ll be OK.”  “I look well wearing this.”  “He doesn’t like me.”

Let’s pick up on the last one.  “He doesn’t like me.”  A good coach can ask you questions about it.  I’ll imagine a conversation.

Coach: And how do you know he doesn’t like you?

Client: He doesn’t look at me much and he didn’t offer me a drink when I finished mine.

Coach: And he didn’t look at you and didn’t offer you a drink.  And is there anything else about him?

Client: He should have offered me a drink.

Coach: And he didn’t look at you much and didn’t offer you a drink. And is there anything else about him?

Client: He did say he had a bad day and had damaged his car.  Maybe he was distracted.

Now, by asking very simple questions, the coach has gently found out more about the situation and started to find evidence that both challenges the first conclusion and supports other opinions.  This coaching process encourages the client to separate out their opinions from objective facts.  It also allows them to acknowledge whatever they know, feel, sense as intuition or sense physically.  People know things in these different ways, and the coach allows them to acknowledge what they know and to separate it from their conclusions.

The client is gathering evidence that supports new interpretations of the situation.

• He damaged his car and is obsessed with it.  This has nothing to do with how attractive I am.
• He might like me but is too distracted right now.

So this is a way to acknowledge what is true (what you know, sense, have intuition about) and to be able to separate it from what is an opinion, an interpretation or a conclusion.  The coaching technique here is called Clean Language and it’s great at helping a client understand what’s going on without confusing the issue with offering the coach’s own interpretations.

Are women’s doubts usually right?

That’s a pretty broad question.

What kind of doubt are those doubts?

How do you know if those doubts are right?

The original statements often change after some good questions.  “Men are bad” may change to “The guy last night was rude to me”.  “I won’t be able to convince my friend” may change to “I’ll have to give my friend a great reason to do what I want”.

This leads me to my re-interpretation of the question “Are women’s doubts usually right?”. “Women have enough evidence both to support and dismiss their doubts so they may want to find out a bit more about the situation.”  You may have a different way of saying it.

How does this affect women’s self esteem?

The “Clean Language” process here is about looking at the words, slowing things down and realising exactly when we jump to conclusions.  It’s a bit like showing you that jump and asking if you want to do that jump.  For some reason I’m reminded o the book title “Fear the fear and do it anyway”.  The author acknowledges a subjective truth of feeling fear and chooses to do it anyway.  There is self esteem in those choices.

Clean Language coaching helps clients separate out the feelings, the interpretations and the actions.  It still takes work and patience, but the results are impressive.

Will women ever be able to trust themselves or have enough self esteem to acknowledge that their doubts are usually right??!

How about:

When women acknowledge the truth, they will both trust themselves and have high self-esteem.

Please tell your friends if you like this blog.  Comment or retweet.

Colliding within ~

poor self esteem with knowledge ~

wisdom cuts me off

#haiku

It’s another great haiku tweet from @jannagae.  What an interesting metaphor.  It’s a collision inside her.  Poor self -esteem collides with knowledge.

If a coach asks clumsy questions, they won’t be able to explore the metaphor.  “What are your options?” is likely to take the client away from the metaphor entirely.

By asking questions that don’t make assumptions (that there are options and we’d like to choose from a number of options), we could explore the metaphor.  I’ve offered the author a free session in case she’d like to explore it.  I wonder what kind of collision that is and what she’d like to have happen.

Self-esteem touches on a few areas of our life, but let’s separate it from things we don’t want (pointless anxiety, poor morals, poor treatment of others,  selfish manipulation).

Does high self esteem mean lack of respect for others?

That statement is about not having enough regard for others, not about having too much for oneself. They are separate.

Does low self-esteem mean being promiscuous?

No, confident, curious people like casual sex too.  Many low self-esteem people have sexual morals and rules for themselves.

Does God dislike self-esteem?

“You shall love your neighbour as yourself.”  That’s a good case for valuing your self.  With some humilty and respect for others, but still valuing yourself.

Overcoming low self-esteem and religion

Is it a soft approach and about not disciplining our children?

No.  How they value themselves is separate to how you discipline them.

Overcoming low self-esteem and discipline

Is self-esteem conditional on what other people think of you?

No.  Self-esteem is seeing value in yourself.  There are no external conditions.  You may come to internalise what other people say, but if it affects your self esteem, it happens when you accept what they say, not when they say it.

Overcoming low self-esteem and what other people think

A general introduction is here.
WWW.OVERCOMING-LOW-SELF-ESTEEM.COM

I’m seeing mixed reports about Lady Gaga.  Is she looking to overcome low self-esteem?.

Twitter and gather . com report:

• Lady Gaga suffers from low self-esteem regarding her looks – and want [sic] to fix this with surgical operations; including everything from cheek implants, boob job to thigh and ass lift. Allegedly she spends hours every day in front of the mirror – and is very depressed because of this. Reports say she never slows down – even when she relaxes – and people are worried about her.

Metrolyrics . com reports form a year ago:

• She said: “You know I am totally confident about my talent, I am totally confident that I am an incredible artist and performer. I have complete faith in myself in so many ways, absolutely.”  She added to Britain’s more! magazine: “I love the way I look, I am extremely confident about my body, the way I dress, the way I want to look. But I have no confidence when it comes to men.

They don’t seem consistent.  Does she suffer from Bad Romance or are the Paparazzi telling us stories with a Poker Face?

So it’s not clear to me what the truth is and I’m left with the question: If you aren’t feeling great about how things are going for you, should you opt for plastc surgery?

Let’s break all that down a bit.  What exactly isn’t going well?

• there may be a part of the cycle where you look in the mirror;
• a part where you think certain negative thoughts about what you see;
• you remember unkind things said about you;
• you predict things won’t work out well with men (or women);
• you have annoyed or anxious feelings; and
• you feel bad about having those feelings.
• you are self-critical about yourself (low self-esteem)

Now if you have all these things, that may be a hard cycle to get out of.   An important point is that there is more going on here than skin blemishes.   Your memories, predictions, thoughts and feelings are coming into play.  Will plastic surgery fix those?

There are physical and medical risks and there are also risks to it not fixing the confidence cycle.  If someone or you yourself picks on the most negative thing about you, then after surgery, you’ll still hear the most negative thing about you.  if you don’t know what the cycle is, you’ll go around that loop for a long time.
The following introduction is designed to help you understand the cycle and address it.  As a guy, I don’t understand make-up.  I see the end result, whether it’s in a champagne bar on a Friday night or Lady Gaga on tour.  I don’t understand the process of different layers, brushes and powders.  You know it all happens in steps, however many they are.  I can’t tell you the steps to applying make-up, but I can work with you to slow down and understand the self-esteem and confidence cycle. By looking at each part, it’s easier to say, “is this what I choose to happen now”?  By catching yourself doing things, it’s possible to think, feel and discover what happens at each stage in the cycle.

Don’t go gaga, contact me and overcome low self-esteem.

WWW.OVERCOMING-LOW-SELF-ESTEEM.COM

Someone on Twitter said:

• Children are an asset to the family – allow them to contribute – we don’t give self esteem – its earned-but can be taken away

Brian says:

Let’s look at that again. It’s the “can be taken away” bit that’s caught me.  At what point did you agree to that?

Yes, it’s tempting to believe that if someone says that you are fat, ugly, stupid or did something badly, your self-esteem might get lower.   Hold on a moment, there are other steps in there.

If you accuse me of not being able to spelll my wrods veryy welll, [sic] I still have the opportunity to

• decide if that’s generally true and unintentional;
• see if you have another motive to try to make me feel bad and whether I should take what you say on board;
• decide, even if it’s true, whether it has anything to do with how I see myself overall.  I’m not a great fisherman but I really don’t care.  Some things don’t affect my self-esteem and your either;
• ask myself if that’s really your opinion of me and whether it is fair;
• ask myself if your opoinion of me has anything to do with my self-esteem.  If you like a metaphor, the darkness can’t put a candle out.

So you have all those options too.

A healthy, loving person will take into account legitimate needs and observations of others.  I’m not talking about being deaf to all comments, forgetting about learning and respect and kindness.

It can be very different to say “I was wrong to do that yesterday, but I’ll correct it and I’m still a good person” than “I’m a bad person”.

The first one puts the wrong as an action, offers a remedy and retains self-esteem.

The second lowers your value in your eyes and theirs and it may feel like it lasts for days or years.

• Eleanor Roosevelt:”No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”

• My version is this: No one can lower your self esteem without your permission.

There are variations on twitter like this, usually said with strong or aggressive language.

• It’s called SELF-ESTEEM!!! How in the hell could I HAVE MESSED THAT UP!

Despite the unpleasant language, he’s pushing the other person to take responsibility for their own self-esteem, which is a good thing.   He’s makig the point that the other person is responsible for their self-esteem.

This person hasn’t got it yet:

• Why are you so mean to me? Is it your personal goal in life to diminish my self esteem and self worth?

I’d say to them: He/she is mean to you AND it’s your responsibility for your own self-esteem.

A religious poet from hundreds of years ago put it this way.

On His Blindness

When I consider how my light is spent

Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,

And that one talent which is death to hide

Lodg’d with me useless, though my soul more bent

To serve therewith my Maker, and present

My true account, lest he returning chide,

“Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?”

I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent

That murmur, soon replies: “God doth not need

Either man’s work or his own gifts: who best

Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state

Is kingly; thousands at his bidding speed

And post o’er land and ocean without rest:

They also serve who only stand and wait.”

– John Milton

A quick summary is “I’m blind, am I useless.  No, my state, just being here is serving God and so I’m worthwhile”

Nobody gets to tell him he’s useless.   He didn’t give permission.

This video uses the universal language of metaphors. It may or may not be about self-esteem, but with almost no English, an entire drama can be told. Take a look and I’ll explain some metaphors below.

Metaphors abound in the video. We know intuitively that:

- slumping is bad

- striding to music is great and stopping abruptly at a knotty problem is bad

- notice that the ideas are above the client, where we often put positive or aspirational things.

- a toolkit is useful

- we can draw our planned future and create what we want.

- steps, ladders and trampolines can help us get where we want to be

- having a coach to encourage us to draw our future, listen to us and provide some tools can help.

- big steps can have risks and we may fall. Smaller steps may be easier.

- change for this person was like a journey. It was about clearing the road, or overcoming the difficult areas.

Can you draw what you would like? I’d be happy to see it and talk to you for free about your metaphors. I bet I find lots! You can send me a drawing my scanning it, or taking a photo of it and sending it to Brian@overcoming-low-self-esteem.com