I’m exchanging emails with a journalist who is talking about low self-esteem and gave this example.  I’d like to use it to explain the Clean Language way of coaching.

“In my experience as a college student, I’m surrounded by girls who act irrationally, especially involving men. An example of this type of girl would be one that calls the guy she’s interested in 20 times, only to leave him another voicemail. It’s obvious he’s not interested in talking to her. However, she doesn’t have the sense of pride in herself to stop chasing and embarrassing herself. In my mind experiences like this go hand in hand with low self-esteem. Men tend to treat women with low self esteem worse than those confident in themselves because they know they can get away with more. They know that no matter how badly they treat this specific girl, she’ll be back at their side the moment they need them.”

Let’s say I was talking to the girl who did the phoning.  I’ll imagine the conversation and make annotations. Let’s call her Jo.

Jo: I’ve called this guy and he didn’t respond.

Coach: What would you like to have happen?  [This invites her to state her goal or desired outcome.  ]

Jo: How do I get him to call? [At least it's clear what she wants. Knowing some context, we strongly suspect it's not realistic, but it's Clean Language and we leave our assumptions and interpretations out of this coaching.  Sounds daft, bear with me.]

Coach:  I’m here to help you find out what to do.  [I won't give direct advice]

Is there anything else about him calling?

Jo: Maybe he’s away.  [Likely to be some sort of denial]

Coach: When he calls, what happens next? [I'm going with the story she gives me]

Jo: We’ll go out and everything will be fine.  Fun, a little romantic.  [She is in full flight of denial. Bear with me]

Coach: And you called and when he calls, things will be fun, a little romantic.  Is there anything else about “when he calls”?

Jo: My friends don’t think he’ll call.  [At some point, the extra information she knows challenges her self-denial story ]

Coach: And you called and when he calls, things will be fun, a little romantic.  And your friends don’t think he’ll call.  Is there anything else about “when he calls”? [I focus on an area for a while to see wht she knows.  I'm not using my own ideas and am using her words, so there is no incentive to emphasise her point as if I'm not listening; I clearly am.]

Jo: He will call.  [Rigid denial]

Coach: And you called and when he calls, things will be fun, a lttle romantic. And your friends don’t think he’ll call.
And what would he like to have happen? [I keep returning her undeniable words to her and make her increasingly aware of how solid the story is she is constructing.  She would now be very aware her friends dont' think he will call and she can't think why he wouldn't. ]

Jo: He won’t call. [Actually, she might carry on for longer, but she will see a purer truth of the situation, a recurring pattern or a habit of hers after a while]

Coach: And you’d like him  to call and he won’t call.  What would you like to have happen now?  [We've reached a dead end on what I can achieve.  Either she wants nothing, something else, or finds a way to have him call.]

Jo:  I want him to call.

Coach: And you’d like him to call and he won’t call.  What kind of “I” wants him to call when he won’t call?  [She's persistent and I'm wondering where the real goal is.]

Jo: I’m scared of failing my exams.

Coach: And you’re scared of failing your exams.  And what would you like to have happen?

Jo: I’d like to be proud of myself. [A much wider goal, but something we would work on.  In another case, it might not be self-esteem, but might be about the exams themselves and the task of studying.  At this point the exact nature of why she was chasing him is open to speculation, but I focus on her and her present goal.]

Coach: And is there anything else about being proud of yourself?

…

For more about Clean Language, follow this link.

For more about self-esteem, please contact me.

Here is an excerpt from a “Yahoo Answers” reply about whom to ask about overcomoing low self-esteem.

Well done for considering asking for help among people around you.
If you think you are depressed, it would be good to see your doctor.
There are people who can offer “talking therapy” help. Your school counsellor, a psychotherapist and me (a self-eteem life coach – more about that later).
You say you don’t want to talk to your family about it. Can I break this down?
- you obviously don’t want to tell them you have an issue and want them to help you talk it through and solve it
- if you went to someone else, would it be ok to say to your family you are talking to someone about some issues; that you want to talk to someone new and not bring up the detail with people you see day to day? This option would give you some privacy, but would also let them support you in much more general ways. They could help you pick someone to go to. Should you pick someone you have heard good things about? The most expensive? The best trained? then your family could help you assess that the strategy is working; do you feel better? Do you have the tools to cope with life? If I was to work with you, I’d need a parent to authorise the amount and type of communication, but the content could be largely private.

Someone on Facebook asked this:

“…if you go to counceling for Low Self esteem they help you find answers? or do they just listen and you have to figure it all out?”

I’ll answer by comparing low self-esteem to being lost in a city.  In this metaphor,

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy will go back on each turn you took and ask you what you knew at the time (your strengths) and what your options were.  It’s quite procedural, but can have good results.

Some counselling and therapies will go much further back and ask about when you learned to drive and map-read.  My sense is that this can be a lot of work and isn’t the fastest way to get where you want to go.

I use Clean Language coaching.  I see my role as travelling with you and helping you create your own map of where you are and where you want to get to; as well as help you understand what needs to happen to get moving.  Using the lost in the city metaphor, I’d ask

• Where would you like to go? (or maybe even “What would you like to have happen?”
• What needs to happen to go there?
• Do you know anything else about going there?
• What do you know about where you are?
• What happened just before you got here?

My questions are open and they don’t assume you want to go to places that other people want to go to, or that you want to go in the usual manner.  It’s your journey, your choice of transport and you move when you’re ready.

I’ve used a “being lost” metaphor, but for other people overcoming low self-esteem is more like growing, finding something they lost, regaining balance or being calm.  My Clean Language questions would mean that you can pursue whatever metaphor you want.

Is this more work?  Why would you bother?  What can’t I just give you an answer?

How would I know what answer to give you?  I’ve just come back from Italy and cafe seemed to think people only wanted to eat paninis.  They are lovely for a few days and then I get sick of bread, ham and cheese.  They thought they knew what I wanted but they were wrong more than they were right.  Unless a facilitator/ coach/ therapist / counsellor is helping you use the information you know about you, I can’t see how they can help you get to where you want to go.

Sometimes that means the client needs to draw their own maps and make their meals from scratch.  But if all you want is cheese on toast, it’s still a simple process.  If you want more, I don’t see a short-cut to taking time to understand yourself, take responsibility and accept some things about you and your world.  I see my role as a Self-Esteem Life Coach as providing questions that help you focusing all your attention on how to do that and on doing it.

When twitter often put a hashtag code in their messages such as #ifyoureallyknewme, it allows us all to find messages with a common theme. This hashtag interests me because some of the people using it seem to feel to feel bad about themselves.

Look at a few anonymous messages

• #ifyoureallyknewme you’d know I have very low self-esteem, and no confidence.
• #ifyoureallyknewme .. you’d know, i’m not always who i choose to show you. #reallove try get pass my strong persona.
• #ifyoureallyknewme you’d know that i’m not really the person you see on the outside. I wish people could see past my waterline.
• #ifyoureallyknewme you would know tht I’m actually a really sensitive person..but ppl mistake tht for weakness..so I never show it
• #ifyoureallyknewme I care about everyone else before I care about myself.
• #ifyoureallyknewme You would know I sometimes feel like a loner and that noone cares about me.
• #ifyoureallyknewme you’d know that I wished I was better looking :/ I always think I’m not pretty enough -_-
• #ifyoureallyknewme youd know not to ask me whats wrong with me. Ill give you a list if youd like.

I sense low self-esteem, caring for others first, hiding who you are, not feeling you are enough and being overwhelmed.

What would it be like to

• be able to be comfortable with who you are;
• accept that this is what you’re feeling and thinking;
• to remember and be able to list things that make you like yourself and be proud;
• to find ways to be self-assertive, self-accepting and feel okay about what’s happening;
• be able to be honest and accepting of what’s going on;
• show more of yourself to others and be resilient against hurt;
• expect good things for yourself.

I’m a Self-Esteem Life Coach and I help people feel better about themselves and to feel able to cope well with life’s challenges.

If you’d like to hear more about what I do, please

1) sign up to my email list on the form on the top right on this website.  I won’t spam you or sell your email address.  I’ll offer blogs, videos and other messages to help you understand what’s going on and make whatever changes that you’d like.

2) Follow me on twitter and facebook.

“Star Syndrome” is an article in today’s Evening Standard magazine about self-esteem and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It has many superficially convincing stories about children and adults regarding themselves more highly than the facts allow and placing themselves the rest of us mere mortals.

It’s a good topic for debate. How should we rate ourselves?  But unfortunately author Helen Kirwan-Taylor doesn’t really define her terms consistently. Indeed, she defines self-esteem and then treats the term as something different.  She quotes W Keith Campbell, Professor of Social Psychology at the University of North Carolina and co-author of “the Narcissism Epidemic; Living in the Age of Entitlement” as saying “It’s way beyond self-esteem.  People are confusing self-esteem, which means thinking you are a person of worth, with narcissism.  Narcissists think, ‘I’m special‘ “.

Now this agrees with Nathaniel Branden who equates self-esteem with your immune system; it’s a good thing of which you can’t get too much.  How can you think you deserve happiness and are worthy – too much?  Thinking you’re better than other people is something different.  You can’t be too protected from disease and you can’t believe too much that you deserve to live, to love, to be loved and be happy. Nathaniel Branden’s book, “The six pillars of self-esteem” is a  top-6000 selling book on Amazon.com and he has written several other self-esteem books.

One of Branden’s six pillars of self-esteem is “Living Consciously” which is basically being aware of what is happening and to behave accordingly.  He advocates realism, honesty, admitting mistakes and seeking out the truth (page 69).  Melanie Fennell in “Overcoming Low Self-Esteem “, another popular book, says “This book is not about the power of positive thinking, or about encouraging you to become as unrealistically positive about yourself as you were unrealistically negative.  It is about achieving a balanced, unbiased view of yourself…“.

So far we have

1) it’s about valuing yourself

2) it requires you to be realistic.

The ES magazine article basically takes issue with people over-valuing themselves and being unrealistic.  Fair enough, but that’s not them having too much self-esteem.  Call it narcissism or inflated self-image if you like, but self-esteem is a particular thing and it requires realism.  Branden makes the point that bravado is likely to be linked to low self-esteem.  It seems that if you are not realistic, you’ll have low-self esteem, but you may put up a considerable front.

Another quote from Robyn M Dawes that “Self-esteem is not always a force for good, it can actually be hurtful” clearly requires a clear definition of self-esteem and does not use the reasonable and popular ones above.  The writer probably got it from this website and it includes the note that “Hawkins argues that Baumeister and other critics confuse self-esteem with egotism, which is not the same thing. Rather, he said, healthy self-esteem ‘comes from being personally and socially responsible.’ “.

So let’s say yes to realism, a sense of self-worth and being aware of all the things that go into making that an undiluted and positive thing. We need a term for the positive experience of ourselves that justifies our existence, the extension of our existence and increasing the offering we give; and self-esteem is that term.  Let’s not get overly concerned with ourselves, our feelings or trying to better other.

Quotes from Nathaniel Branden and his book “The six pillars of self-esteem”.

- No, it is not [possible to have too much self-esteem]; no more than it is possible to have too much physical health or too powerful an immune system. Sometimes self-esteem is confused with boasting or bragging or arrogance; but such traits reflect not too much self-esteem, but too little; they reflect a lack of self-esteem. (page 19)

- It would be hard to name a more certain sign of poor self-esteem than the need to perceive some other group as inferior. (page 12)

This is my answer to a Yahoo Answers forum question:

I’m a self-esteem life coach and I find it an interesting question.

Let’s first answer it

Not all girls feel like Angelina Jolie and not all guys feel like Brad Pitt. Expectations can be out of control.

Guys may like feeling less judged or they might take advantage. They might find vulnerability makes them feel strong or they might want someone who is more sure of themselves. I think it’s best if there is awareness and honesty in who we are, what we want and what we offer.

Now, this is the bit I find interesting. I’ll assume you are the girl and you’re asking about yourself.

Is the most important thing what guys think? Some of them you haven’t even met.

Is the only worthwhile way of rating yourself the way guys rate you?

Is it as simple as turn on and turn off? Are there only two categories to fit into?

If you live your life this way, there are multiple problems.

- a guy you don’t know can say something that puts you in the wrong category;

- your rating and category can change without your control and quickly; and

- you may never really knw what all the criteria are; how they rate you.

We’re told “we’re worth it” only if we buy L’Oriel products and live up to impossible celebrity lifestyles.

If you build your self esteem, you’ll be able to say

- I’m enough as I am

- I’m doing everything I realistically can and that’s okay.

- I’m doing what I can to build the relationships I want to and that’s enough

- I know what I want in life or am in the process of figuring it out

- I can tell the difference between my feelings, people’s intentions and what I should do.

- I trust my own decisions

- I am or am doing my best to become who I want to be and I respect myself.

- What people say to me and how they treat me is not directly related to what I’m worth because I decide that, not them.

- As I become who I want to be, I will offer more in relationships and become more attractive and find someone that I want, not just someone who wants me.

Isn’t the big question:

Does a girl with low self esteem want to raise her self-esteem?

What is self-esteem? This definition is from Nathaniel Branden and his book “The six pillars of self-esteem”. It is the book I recommend when I’m helping people who are overcoming low self esteem. Here are the main ideas from the book.

- Self-esteem has two interrelated components. One is a sense of basic confidence in the face of life’s challenges; self-efficacy. The other is a sense of being worthy of happiness: self-respect. (page 27)

- Self-efficacy is not the conviction that we can never make an error. It is the conviction that we are able to think, to judge, to know – and to correct our errors. It is trust in our mental processes and abilities. (page 34)

Self-respect entails the expectation of friendship, love and happiness as natural, as a result to who we are and what we do. (page 37)

Here are the Six Pillars of Self Esteem from the book by Nathaniel Branden, used in overcoming low self-esteem. The Six pillars are Personal Integrity, Living Consciously, Self-Responsibility, Self-Acceptance, Self-Assertiveness, Living Purposefully.

A brief expansion of these pillars for overcoming low self-esteem is:

Personal Integrity: Live according to your beliefs and values

Living Consciously: Be realistic, have an active mind rather than passive, be willing to see and correct mistakes.

Self-Responsibility: accept that “no one owes me fulfilment of my wishes” (page 107)

Self-Acceptance: When we fight a block it grows stronger. When we acknowledge, experience and accept it, it begins to melt. (page 99)

Self-Assertiveness: My life does not belong to others and I am not here on earth to live up to someone else’s expectations. (page 121)

Living Purposefully: When we behave in ways that conflict with our judgement of what is appropriate, we lose face in out own eyes. (page 144)

Quotes from Nathaniel Branden and his book “The six pillars of self-esteem”.

- No, it is not [possible to have too much self-esteem]; no more than it is possible to have too much physical health or too powerful an immune system. Sometimes self-esteem is confused with boasting or bragging or arrogance; but such traits reflect not too much self-esteem, but too little; the reflect a lack of self-esteem. (page 19)

- It would be hard to name a more certain sign of poor self-esteem than the need to perceive some other group as inferior. (page 12)

- High-self-esteem people can surely be knocked down by an excess of troubles, but they are quicker to pick themselves up again. (page 18)

- If my aim is to prove I am “enough”, the project goes on to infinity – because the battle was already lost on the day I conceded the issue was debatable.

- When we live consciously we do not imagine that our feelings are an infallible guide to truth. (page 71)

I coached a client on overcoming low self-esteem to help her at a job interview.  If someone doesn’t think she deserves a job and is worried about it, the challenge is often one of self-esteem, not just confidence in good interview preparation.  Click on the video, set outside Westminster Abbey in London, near the coaching session, for more details.

Join my mailing list to hear more information (fill in the form on the top right of the website).  Please comment or contact me to let me know if this video helped you in overcoming low self-esteem.

Photo only - Overcoming-low-self-esteem-job

Kathryn Allen (Twitter @iAmMade4This) has been talking about self esteem and Domestic Violence.  So I’m not the only one talking about overcoming low self esteem.

• When school starts next month, I will be starting a domestic violence program. Be on the lookout, b/c I’m looking to change a lot of lives.
• The purpose of this program is to free a lot of women/men who feel trapped in their relationship, build character, and self esteem.
• I want them to know that this program will be a safe haven for them come to in confidence, to feel safe, and know they are not alone.
• I’m on a mission to stop this horrific trend of domestic violence that has become so popular.
• The name of the program is called Get Out and Live! RT if you like the idea!

Kathryn, I hope you will let me know more about the program later.

I’m considering offering limited free coaching sessions on raising or overcoming low self esteem for those affected by domestic violence or abuse.  A victim’s helpline suggested I also offer support to charities aiming to get rehabilitate perpetrators too.

I expect to be the second stage of help.  So a person should call the existing helplines to get advice on safety, legal, refuge, relationship or family issues.  Sessions with me would be about using self esteem to make the situation better.  I aim it as a slow but long term solution that would happen after most other interventions.

It might help in these situations:

• after violence or abuse has stopped, the male or female abused person is seeking to raise or overcome low self esteem;
• the situation is being monitored by a separate, trusted organisation and he male or female abused person is seeking to raise or overcome low self esteem;
• the male or female (the facts say there are both) violent or abusive person is being monitored by a separate, trusted organisation and is in a rehabilitation programme and that person is seeking to raise or overcome low self esteem.

Here’s what I write about the Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.

Please contact me if you think overcoming low self-esteem will help.

J, from Liverpool asks:
Brian, I have low self worth and I don’t believe what counsellors tell me. How can I change all that?

Brian says:
I am a self-esteem life coach and I use simple questions and your words to ask about your story, like in the questions above. Sooner or later it creates insights and you can see your opportunities and choices. It’s easy to reject other people’s advice. Sometimes you may not trust yourself. But if you keep looking for what’s true, you’ll soon experience the best your life can offer.

- You have no self-worth, you don’t believe any of what you do with counsellors and you’d like to know how to change your low self-worth?
- What do you know about what needs to happen for things to change?
- You don’t seem to trust yourself or counsellors; what or whom do you trust?
- What kind of change do you want?
- When there is a change, what happens next?

Here are the Six Pillars of Self Esteem from the book by Nathaniel Branden, used in overcoming low self-esteem. The Six pillars are Personal Integrity, Living Consciously, Self-Responsibility, Self-Acceptance, Self-Assertiveness, Living Purposefully.

A brief expansion of these pillars for overcoming low self-esteem is:
Personal Integrity: Live according to your beliefs and values
Living Consciously: Be realistic, have an active mind rather than passive, be willing to see and correct mistakes.
Self-Responsibility: accept that “no one owes me fulfilment of my wishes” (page 107)
Self-Acceptance: When we fight a block it grows stronger. When we acknowledge, experience and accept it, it begins to melt. (page 99)
Self-Assertiveness: My life does not belong to others and I am not here on earth to live up to someone else’s expectations. (page 121)
Living Purposefully: When we behave in ways that conflict with our judgement of what is appropriate, we lose face in out own eyes. (page 144)

Watch several videos on Low self esteem on my YouTube channel:
http://www.youtube.com/user/Overlowselfesteem

I am a self-esteem life coach and I use simple questions and your words to ask about your story, like in the questions above. Sooner or later it creates insights and you can see your opportunities and choices. It’s easy to reject other people’s advice. Sometimes you may not trust yourself. But if you keep looking for what’s true, you’ll soon experience the best your life can offer.