While answering low self-esteem questions on a forum, one questioner was wondering how to not get angry when people make assumptions and are judgemental when they answer his questions.
My answer:
I think the quality of listening and advice varies hugely, amongst novice and so-called expert contributors. I think a good answer talks to the questioner where they are and doesn’t make any (significant) assumptions or judgements. A good answer does not contradict information the questioner gives. A good answer isn’t about the answerer either; it is about or at least clearly for the questioner.
I’m a self-esteem coach and I am answering questions to help me tune in to people’s real needs.
I use “Clean Language” as a coaching method and this method allows virtually no assumptions about a person’s situation. If you say you’re hungry, I won’t assume you want to eat now (you may not want to drink for religious reasons or you may be saving your appetite). So I can pick out loads of examples where people presume things. I can pick out so many that I also realise it’s almost impossible to not make assumptions. It requires a lot of brain power to remember that other people have different needs, resources and abilities to you. So that last realisation is how I deal with it.
That last paragraph was for you, but it so easily becomes about me.
“You have low self esteem” is sometimes used to manipulate, as an easy answer or because the person doesn’t want to help/ solve the problem.
I can validly see you want to “deal with it” but I can’t be 100% certain of what you want.
It makes you angry and seems to make you lose your cool, but if you’re a thick skinned, high energy person, it’s possible that’s not a problem. It’s not reasonable for me to assume you want to priest level serenity all the time; maybe you accept a few dubious comments when you get some good experience too.
I don’t see people making assupmtions as a problem. They are going to do it, you can ask them not to but they may not be able to help themselves. You can’t fully control it, but you can control a lot of your reaction. You can become more observant, see what’s happening in detail and this can help you react in a different way.
Does it help to consider what people say to be a reflection of what’s happening for them rather than defining what’s happening for you, or objective reality?
OK, I’ll ask some no-assumption questions (okay, assuming you’re alive, have a need etc).
- What’s the relationship between people making assumptions and having false ideas and you gettting angry?
- What happens just before you get angry?
- What would you like to have happen?
- How will you know that is happening or has happened?
- What needs to happen for that to happen?
