In response to a comment on this website, I’ll address this question in the context of overcoming low self -esteem.
I believe it is a very successful technique for a variety of coaching issues (my role) and psychotherapy issues (not my role).
Clean Language uses a small set of simple questions to focus the conversation on to the client’s perception of the world, how they see things working and perhaps personal symbols and metaphors. It is better than other techniques about going deeper into their issues without the questioners assumptions and perspective (cleaner). Please click here to see other posts about what Clean Language is.
Clean Language was developed mainly by the late David Grove who used it to treat people with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is used by trained consultants in business, health-care, psychotherapy and coaching.
After one or just a few sessions, I’ve been told that it has started changes that years of psychotherapy didn’t address. One woman who wanted to trust people more, told me secret details that she hadn’t told her therapist.
One guy had poor confidence with women and felt he wasn’t important to them. By the end of two sessions, he felt like a ray of sunshine in their lives. Symbolically he transformed from something unnoticeable to something fundamentally warm and worthwhile in their lives.
I don’t use it in a psychotherapy setting but that’s because of the limits of my training, not the technique.
For low self-esteem, it allows the coach to more directly access issues that are real for the client and to address what’s happening there and what could be improved.
Research is being conducted to evaluate its value with more scientific rigour.
A facebook follower asked me to help her after describing her situation:
- “…I never loved myself, although others love me…I feel like I’m falling apart…”, R.,Egypt
This message will just deal with the metaphor in her message, “I feel like I’m falling apart”.
People use many metaphors to describe how we are;
- I feel 10 feet tall;
- I feel down; or
- I’m beside myself with anger.
It’s tempting to guess what R means by her metaphor and to imagine she means the same thing I would mean if I said it. I use a coaching method called Clean Language and we don’t assume we know what the client wants.
I might ask her more about the metaphor, but, as it seems uncomfortable, I’ll ask about positive things.
Brian: “When you feel like you’re falling apart, what would you like to have happen?”
R might talk about a positive metaphor that means she is no longer falling apart. More likely, that won’t come immediately and a different type of thought or feeling will be expressed. If there are no immediate answers, R may say she doesn’t know.
R also said she “stands out” in some good ways, so I may ask her:
“What kind of ’stand out’?
and then
“Is there anything else about ’stand out’ “?
Slowly we will build up some answers from R’s thoughts, feelings and beliefs. We may understand patterns of behaviour or feelings, how the world looks from new perspectives and understand our strengths more.
If we have a clear sense of our strengths, look at things from a useful standpoint and see how we work, then we can make the choices we need to to feel good about ourselves and overcome low self esteem.
I hope to blog soon about some exercises that will help us do just this. For now, if you have the same thoughts, answer the questions above and email me.
Google “self-esteem” and you’ll find dozens of pages about how to overcome it, build it, boost it and raise it. There are “how to”s, step by steps, signs and characteristics.
There is certainly a good quantity. Some of them are poor, telling you to smile a lot and tell your mirror nice things about you. And some are very good, with thought, observation and references.
Much like cooking books, I don’t think the value is in having another blog. It’s in trying out what they advise. Creating a plan for yourself or making a commitment to help yourself.
You may need to try a few things, a few authors and products. If you know a little about how you learn best and how you work, use this to choose what you pay attention to.
And then, just like cooking books, rather than just having things to read, you’ll have nourishment and growth.
Overcoming low self esteem blogs are like cookbooks
Most of my blogs are about self esteem because I want to focus on that, but some of you have asked about the coaching technique I use.
I coach people who are overcoming low self-esteem mainly using a technique called Clean Language. It’s the most powerful technique I’ve found for staying with the content of what the client is telling me, but also following their structure (the sequence of events; what’s linked to what; and what the goal is). I’ll go with you, to whatever goal you want, I’ll play out whatever metaphor you want and we’ll go at the pace you want. How often do you replay a bad day’s events in your head, perhaps like a film? But it’s in your head and probably hard to remember all at once. If you’re coached with Clean Language, you can express it, put a theme tune to it, write the tag line and see it as a whole. The questions, metaphors and repetition help you see things from different perspectives and you can then look to change that film next time it plays out.
During a coaching session, I listen closely to what a coaching client tells me they want and what’s going on for them in terms of self-esteem. Together we explore what they know deeply about that, what they believe strongly and the palpable feelings that they experience. We don’t focus on distant theories or ill-fitting labels but on the client’s own experiences, patterns and how their life works. It’s not about short-term enthusiasm but focussed on what will genuinely help them achieve their goals. As the client takes responsibility for their exploration, they remember forgotten social confidence, gain new perspectives on their issues and discover how to be their best self.
If you’d like to hear more about Clean Language, here are some links:
Judy Rees facilitates a Clean Language session:
Judy Rees discusses a Clean Language session she has just done.
A blog of mine, from when I did Relationship Coaching
It includes this radio recording.
Dr Phil Hammond found out how the use of metaphorical language in health care is increasingly accepted as a powerful aid to healing.
Join Marion’s newsletter to get a 20 minute clean language session to download.
All of this describes a technique that can help you overcome low self esteem.
My coaching technique for overcoming low self esteem is called Clean Language and it often leads to a client using many, strong metaphors.
Steven Pinker writes and talks about language and how there are metaphors built into human beings.
Look for more on YouTube.
I use open questions and metaphors in my coaching technique for overcoming low self esteem.
More haiku poems from Jannagae on twitter, relating to a bag lady, marbles, loneliness and low self esteem.
- Dressed in navy blue ~ Sadie my own bag lady ~ dreary downhearted
- Sadly she’s alone ~ afraid to risk connections ~ she remains lonely
- She only needs peace ~ the world could be her oyster ~ simply, ask for help
- The road is too long ~ too bumpy, rough, too narrow ~ gravel stabs her shoes
- Brim of hat is down ~ not wanting her green eyes seen ~ hiding from people
- She is an oddball ~ others cannot perceive her ~ her mind is unsycned
- Colored marbles dull ~ slamming into each other ~ chaos in my head
- Marbles, brilliant hues ~ flying in sync around head ~ keeping me alert
Would you like to discover your metaphors about low self esteem? Get in touch.
Thanks for the quote on Twitter, @TheSCICoach.
Actually, we communicate with metaphor far more than we think. Metaphors often link one idea or thing to something physical or something we can feel.
Metaphors are underlined in these messages from Twitter.
- Depression darkens ~ repels optimistic ones ~ no one wants blackness #haiku @Jannagae
- “Life can be pulled by goals just as surely as it can be pushed by drives.” – Viktor Frankl @FastSelfHelp
- A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool from a mountain top. #quote @SuuperG
- “A man’s homeland is wherever he prospers.”- Aristophanes (c. 448 – 385 BCE),Greece #Quote @AnnieSage
- The deepest craving in human beings is the need to be appreciated. #quote William James @skigerman
- To err from the right path is common to mankind. -Sophocles #quote @rahmalam
- Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action. – Ralph Waldo Emerson. #quote @EmersonRalphyW
I’ve underlined some of the metaphors. Scientists and linguists are realising how fundamental metaphors are for us to speak. Clean Language coaching uses questions that often explore the metaphors we use. This is the coaching method I use to help people overcome low self esteem. To build confidence. To grow taller. Metaphors abound. Images hidden in words.
Please comment or retweet if you liked this post. I’d be interested in your comments about metaphors you notice too.
Colliding within ~
poor self esteem with knowledge ~
wisdom cuts me off
#haiku
It’s another great haiku tweet from @jannagae. What an interesting metaphor. It’s a collision inside her. Poor self -esteem collides with knowledge.
If a coach asks clumsy questions, they won’t be able to explore the metaphor. “What are your options?” is likely to take the client away from the metaphor entirely.
By asking questions that don’t make assumptions (that there are options and we’d like to choose from a number of options), we could explore the metaphor. I’ve offered the author a free session in case she’d like to explore it. I wonder what kind of collision that is and what she’d like to have happen.
Someone on Twitter said:
- Children are an asset to the family – allow them to contribute – we don’t give self esteem – its earned-but can be taken away
Brian says:
Let’s look at that again. It’s the “can be taken away” bit that’s caught me. At what point did you agree to that?
Yes, it’s tempting to believe that if someone says that you are fat, ugly, stupid or did something badly, your self-esteem might get lower. Hold on a moment, there are other steps in there.
If you accuse me of not being able to spelll my wrods veryy welll, [sic] I still have the opportunity to
- decide if that’s generally true and unintentional;
- see if you have another motive to try to make me feel bad and whether I should take what you say on board;
- decide, even if it’s true, whether it has anything to do with how I see myself overall. I’m not a great fisherman but I really don’t care. Some things don’t affect my self-esteem and your either;
- ask myself if that’s really your opinion of me and whether it is fair;
- ask myself if your opoinion of me has anything to do with my self-esteem. If you like a metaphor, the darkness can’t put a candle out.
So you have all those options too.
A healthy, loving person will take into account legitimate needs and observations of others. I’m not talking about being deaf to all comments, forgetting about learning and respect and kindness.
It can be very different to say “I was wrong to do that yesterday, but I’ll correct it and I’m still a good person” than “I’m a bad person”.
The first one puts the wrong as an action, offers a remedy and retains self-esteem.
The second lowers your value in your eyes and theirs and it may feel like it lasts for days or years.
- Eleanor Roosevelt:”No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.”
- My version is this: No one can lower your self esteem without your permission.
There are variations on twitter like this, usually said with strong or aggressive language.
- It’s called SELF-ESTEEM!!! How in the hell could I HAVE MESSED THAT UP!
Despite the unpleasant language, he’s pushing the other person to take responsibility for their own self-esteem, which is a good thing. He’s makig the point that the other person is responsible for their self-esteem.
This person hasn’t got it yet:
- Why are you so mean to me? Is it your personal goal in life to diminish my self esteem and self worth?
I’d say to them: He/she is mean to you AND it’s your responsibility for your own self-esteem.
A religious poet from hundreds of years ago put it this way.
On His Blindness
When I consider how my light is spent
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide
Lodg’d with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest he returning chide,
“Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?”
I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent
That murmur, soon replies: “God doth not need
Either man’s work or his own gifts: who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly; thousands at his bidding speed
And post o’er land and ocean without rest:
They also serve who only stand and wait.”
– John Milton
A quick summary is “I’m blind, am I useless. No, my state, just being here is serving God and so I’m worthwhile”
Nobody gets to tell him he’s useless. He didn’t give permission.
This video uses the universal language of metaphors. It may or may not be about self-esteem, but with almost no English, an entire drama can be told. Take a look and I’ll explain some metaphors below.
Metaphors abound in the video. We know intuitively that:
- slumping is bad
- striding to music is great and stopping abruptly at a knotty problem is bad
- notice that the ideas are above the client, where we often put positive or aspirational things.
- a toolkit is useful
- we can draw our planned future and create what we want.
- steps, ladders and trampolines can help us get where we want to be
- having a coach to encourage us to draw our future, listen to us and provide some tools can help.
- big steps can have risks and we may fall. Smaller steps may be easier.
- change for this person was like a journey. It was about clearing the road, or overcoming the difficult areas.
Can you draw what you would like? I’d be happy to see it and talk to you for free about your metaphors. I bet I find lots! You can send me a drawing my scanning it, or taking a photo of it and sending it to Brian@overcoming-low-self-esteem.com
