“Star Syndrome” is an article in today’s Evening Standard magazine about self-esteem and Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It has many superficially convincing stories about children and adults regarding themselves more highly than the facts allow and placing themselves the rest of us mere mortals.

It’s a good topic for debate. How should we rate ourselves?  But unfortunately author Helen Kirwan-Taylor doesn’t really define her terms consistently. Indeed, she defines self-esteem and then treats the term as something different.  She quotes W Keith Campbell, Professor of Social Psychology at the University of North Carolina and co-author of “the Narcissism Epidemic; Living in the Age of Entitlement” as saying “It’s way beyond self-esteem.  People are confusing self-esteem, which means thinking you are a person of worth, with narcissism.  Narcissists think, ‘I’m special‘ “.

Now this agrees with Nathaniel Branden who equates self-esteem with your immune system; it’s a good thing of which you can’t get too much.  How can you think you deserve happiness and are worthy – too much?  Thinking you’re better than other people is something different.  You can’t be too protected from disease and you can’t believe too much that you deserve to live, to love, to be loved and be happy. Nathaniel Branden’s book, “The six pillars of self-esteem” is a  top-6000 selling book on Amazon.com and he has written several other self-esteem books.

One of Branden’s six pillars of self-esteem is “Living Consciously” which is basically being aware of what is happening and to behave accordingly.  He advocates realism, honesty, admitting mistakes and seeking out the truth (page 69).  Melanie Fennell in “Overcoming Low Self-Esteem “, another popular book, says “This book is not about the power of positive thinking, or about encouraging you to become as unrealistically positive about yourself as you were unrealistically negative.  It is about achieving a balanced, unbiased view of yourself…“.

So far we have

1) it’s about valuing yourself

2) it requires you to be realistic.

The ES magazine article basically takes issue with people over-valuing themselves and being unrealistic.  Fair enough, but that’s not them having too much self-esteem.  Call it narcissism or inflated self-image if you like, but self-esteem is a particular thing and it requires realism.  Branden makes the point that bravado is likely to be linked to low self-esteem.  It seems that if you are not realistic, you’ll have low-self esteem, but you may put up a considerable front.

Another quote from Robyn M Dawes that “Self-esteem is not always a force for good, it can actually be hurtful” clearly requires a clear definition of self-esteem and does not use the reasonable and popular ones above.  The writer probably got it from this website and it includes the note that “Hawkins argues that Baumeister and other critics confuse self-esteem with egotism, which is not the same thing. Rather, he said, healthy self-esteem ‘comes from being personally and socially responsible.’ “.

So let’s say yes to realism, a sense of self-worth and being aware of all the things that go into making that an undiluted and positive thing. We need a term for the positive experience of ourselves that justifies our existence, the extension of our existence and increasing the offering we give; and self-esteem is that term.  Let’s not get overly concerned with ourselves, our feelings or trying to better other.

Quotes from Nathaniel Branden and his book “The six pillars of self-esteem”.

- No, it is not [possible to have too much self-esteem]; no more than it is possible to have too much physical health or too powerful an immune system. Sometimes self-esteem is confused with boasting or bragging or arrogance; but such traits reflect not too much self-esteem, but too little; they reflect a lack of self-esteem. (page 19)

- It would be hard to name a more certain sign of poor self-esteem than the need to perceive some other group as inferior. (page 12)

Someone on twitter talked about parents supporting self-esteem in a way that means they ensure all the children get a trophy on sports day. I’ve even heard of a school cancelling its sports day because some children felt sad when they lost.

Overcoming-low-self-esteem.com

While it may be tempting, giving kids stuff just for turning up is different to ensuring their self esteem is high. I’m not against giving them something, just don’t lie to them. Yes, it’s a lie even when it’s well intentioned. I still have medals somewhere for coming second in a two boy swim and finishing a long distance run long after almost everyone else had changed out of their sports gear. They were on different days in case you think I did some kind of Junior Iron Man competition. It helped me feel part of the team, it acknowledged my effort and made me feel cared for. But I never seriously thought it was for sporting achievement and it was partly an embarrassment as it symbolised trying rather than winning.

I’m not convinced you’ll fool the child. You may even deliver the meta-messages that you don’t even think of them as a serious competitor and that you think childish and foolish. Most importantly, you may miss that while self-confidence is about believing you can achieve things, self-esteem is about how you feel about yourself. It’s the bit after they get the medal. If they know they are being shielded, not considered capable of winning and they have no evidence of actual learning or achieving, how are they going to get self-esteem?

Shielding children from most competitions and challenges does not help them develop the skills to deal with challenges when you’re not around. Rich children can be very insecure when they realise they have been shielded.

Reality happens; to you and to your child. Self-esteem comes from acknowledgement of reality, accepting your strengths and having realistic expectations.

Remember the Truman Show film?  Would Jim Carey thank the people who altered his reality and made him do all that work to make sense of what reality was?

Piaget:  “Every time we teach a child something, we prevent him from inventing it himself.”

Maybe I should have just said that.

Self-esteem touches on a few areas of our life, but let’s separate it from things we don’t want (pointless anxiety, poor morals, poor treatment of others,  selfish manipulation).

Does high self esteem mean lack of respect for others?

That statement is about not having enough regard for others, not about having too much for oneself. They are separate.

Does low self-esteem mean being promiscuous?

No, confident, curious people like casual sex too.  Many low self-esteem people have sexual morals and rules for themselves.

Does God dislike self-esteem?

“You shall love your neighbour as yourself.”  That’s a good case for valuing your self.  With some humilty and respect for others, but still valuing yourself.

Overcoming low self-esteem and religion

Is it a soft approach and about not disciplining our children?

No.  How they value themselves is separate to how you discipline them.

Overcoming low self-esteem and discipline

Is self-esteem conditional on what other people think of you?

No.  Self-esteem is seeing value in yourself.  There are no external conditions.  You may come to internalise what other people say, but if it affects your self esteem, it happens when you accept what they say, not when they say it.

Overcoming low self-esteem and what other people think

A general introduction is here.
WWW.OVERCOMING-LOW-SELF-ESTEEM.COM